RE4: Infected w Dumbness
by Luna-Starr
Summary: the president's daughter has been kidnapped. They sent in Leon. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? Parody off re4, SPOILERS!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Metal Gear or anything!

Luna: Hi!! This is a total parody off Leon and re4! Enjoy! And review!

Chapter1: Leon's new moves

Leon looked out the window of the car. He was being driven to a village where Ashely, the president's daughter was being held. Why, I ask you, does Leon want to jump into another encounter with creatures from hell ::zombies:: after suriving one encounter? You'd think he'd learn.....but this is Leon we're talking about.

The car stopped, and Leon got out.

" Your on your own hombre," said the driver, " We don't wanna get no parking ticket."

" Parking ticket, huh?" said Leon, " I think you 2 are just wussies and don't wanna go with me. I think your lying. IT'S A CONSPIRACY! Just like the Umbrella conspiracy! They're everywhere...EVERYWHERE!"

" Uh, dude," said nameless-unimportant-guy-who-will-be-killed-in-a-matter-of-minutes," Umbrella's gone. Their stocks crashed through, you know."

" That's what they want you to think!" cried Leon.

It wasn't uncommon for Leon to rant about Umbrella and...being infected.

Leon walked off, alone; twitching. Of course, he only had a 9mm handgun with one pack of bullets. God forbid he pack a Rocket Launcher or shotgun.....no... You'd think he might pack a machine gun after all he's been through; but sadly he had a very small attention span.

Leon walked down a dirt path to a house. He kicked the door opened, because kicking doors open is fun; and spotted an old man by the fireplace.

"Excuse me," said Leon, " Have you seen this girl?" He showed him a pic of Ashely.

The man talked rapidly in Spanish. The translation was, " No. Why are you here? Would you like some tea and crumpets? I have a pretty axe....its shiny-"

The minute Leon heard him talk in a language he couldn't understand, he screamed, " INFECTED!" and shot him in the head.

Then, he got a Codec transmission. ? What is this, Metal Gear?

" Leon here," said Leon, to the girl on the other end, Hunnigan, " I had to put down a civilian. He was infected- I mean, hostile."

" Uh...sure Leon," said Hunnigan, " Well do whatever it takes to excreate the subject."

" Excreate the...subject.....?"

" Save Ashely, geez...."

" Oh...."

Leon ran upstairs and heard people talking. Infected, he thought. They were coming after him, so Leon jumped out of the nearest window. He landed and struck a pose.

" James Bond ain't got nothing on me!" shouted Leon, happily.

The angry villagers surrounded him, with pitchforks, axes and knives.

" You're kidding.....right?" asked Leon, to noone in particular, " They have weapons? Zombies didn't have weapons! They also didn't run or talk in Spanish..."

Luckily, Leon could actually aim his gun because it had a laser pointer. Then, one of the zombie/infected/villager got to close and lunged at him. Leon kicked him upside his head.

"Booya!" screamed Leon, and did his victory dance.

So Leon skipped his merry way to the village. Okay, take out 'merry' and 'skipped'.

" Zombies, crazy people zombies with weapons," said Leon, " I rule them all! THEY ARE NO MATCH FOR LEON SCOTT KENNEDY!"

Along the way, he met a wolf caught in a trap.

" Aww....poor doggy!" cried Leon, and released his leg from the bear trap.

The wolf wagged his tail and ran off. So, you may wonder why I bothered to put that in the story. So do I. But if you played the game you'll understand. Um...anyway on with the story.

Leon looked in his binoculers and zoomed in on the village. On a stake, roasting in the fire was nameless-unimportant-guy who drove the car. He heard them talking in Spanish again. He suddenly wished he paid more attention in Spanish class.

Flashback

" Hey," said Leon, to a random friend of his, " Wanna cut Spanish?"

" um...don't you think its important?" asked random-friend-who-won't-be-heard-from-again.

" Nah....It's not like I'm gonna become a Secret Service agent and try to save the presidents daughter in a village of Spanish speaking, infected, psycho cultists bend on hacking me to tiny pieces."

"Ah....good point"

End Flashback

Leon gulped. He pressed on to save Ashely.

Luna: okay REVIEW PLEASE! Next Chapter: The Village People.


	2. The Village People

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil! or the Austin Powers quote or Rambo

Luna: I bet you all can't wait for this chapter! And remeber its a LONG game so it may take awhile to update.

Chapter 2: The Village People :: and no not that old band from the 70's::

Leon decided his best plan of action was to run in, guns ablazing and survive. Hopefully. In the end, Leon decided against his Rambo theory and ran into town and took cover in a house. He heard them screaming and running after him. Leon pushed a cabinet in front of the door to prevent the infected psychos from breaking it down.

" Who are these people?" asked Leon, to the air, " What do they want?"

Hmm.....hate to state the obvious but maybe TO KILL YOU SINCE THEY'RE ATTACKING YOU! Geez....logic!

He also heard someone starting up a chainsaw, bringing back painful memories of watching 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' and soiling himself. Leon raced upstairs and meet his new best friend : the shotgun. He kept it in his attache case for safe keeping. Just then, several virus infected psychos came through the window. Luckily, Leon had his handgun and amazing kicking powers. Unfortuntely, Leon was overcome by numbers and screamed, " SHIT-"

"-Taki mushrooms!" I said back, " Watch the profanity!"

" Who was that?" cried Leon, " I'm hearing voices now......I must be INFECTED!"  
Ahem. Sorry about that.

Anyway, Leon kicks down the ladder and jumps out the window. He lands on his ass, screaming, " Owwies...."

He runs around the village, a mob of angry villagers after him. Leon ran until he saw a man with a bag over his head charge at him. With a chainsaw. Leon screams like a little girl and takes out his shotgun. He shoots it. Once. Twice. Three times. Four. Ah, you get it! Well, he shot a total of 12 SHOTS! 12!!!!

For surviving this ordeal, Leon is rewarded with a ruby.

" That's all I get?!" askes Leon, " A RUBY? Damn, That's cheap.....But its sparkly....."

Distracted by the ruby's sparkly-ness, Leon is surrounded again. Thankfully, Leon had his kicking powers and even decided to name it his " KENNEDY KICK OF DOOM".

Several hours, Kennedy Kicks of Doom and magazine clips later.......

Leon had killed exactly 14 infected people. Then a bell rang and everyone disappeared.

" Woo...." he said, and sighed, " Look! Herbs! Wait.....These things seem vaguely familar....Okay, to save Ashely..."

Remember, short attention span.

Leon decided to check the farm, and found some chicken eggs.

" Aha!" he cried, " My new weapon!"

Leon then went through a door to a save point which caused him to say, " A typewriter!.....Wait why is it so familar?......infected..."

He walked along the dirt path and shot some villagers then finished them off with his Kennedy Kicks of Doom . After being rushed by a mob, almost squished by a boulder, and shooting shiny blue things; Leon ended up in a cemetary.

There, he used all his brainpower to figure out a puzzle.

2 hours later........

" Stupid puzzle with glowing clock dial!" screamed Leon.

Finally, he got it open to get his prize. A gem.

" WHAT?!" he shouted, " I went to all this trouble to get THIS?!"

He ran back to the chruch only to discover he couldn't open it. Leon, being Leon, didn't think of blowing up the door w/ a grenade....nooo.....So he called Hunnigan.

" Hunnigan the door won't open!" cried Leon.

" Leon, we've been through this before. Follow my instructions step by step. Extend your hand-"

Leon did.

"- Grab the doorknob and twist!"

" No! THERE'S NO DOORKNOB!"

" Oh....well your on your own. Your susposed to be the amazing one man army the prez sent out so good luck to you."

Leon decided to give it a Kennedy Kick of Doom. He did, and screamed curses and clutched his foot in pain. Bad, bad plan.

Luna: YAY! I DID CHAPTER 2! PLEASE REVIEW! And I appericate the reviews i had already gotten! Next chapter: Flasher!


	3. Flasher!

Disclaimer: Okay question. If i didnt own Resident Evil before why would I own it now? CAUSE I STILL DONT!

Luna: Wow!!! I got more reviews! YAY!!! I bet everyone wants to know a totally useless fact about RE4! The fact is: The chainsaw guys real name is Dr.Salvotore. Yep, and i knew that from getting a bottle cap at the minigame shooting range......anyway, I'll stop the randomness now. On with the fic!

Chapter 3: Flasher!

After Leon's foot recovered, he ran off to an area where the virus-infected ones threw explosives. Yes, EXPLOSIVES.

" Son of a-"

"- bagel! Damnit, Leon STOP the profanity!" I shouted.

" INFECTED!" he said, "The voices...make it STOPPP!!!"

Leon did the only thing any normal person would do. He ran away, screaming on the top of his lungs. He hid behind best friend #2: the tree, where he was able to shoot them.

After killing them, Leon made his way to a broken down shack where there was a closet, rattling. He ran at it, doing several Kennedy Kicks of Doom in the process, and then opened it. A bounded and gagged man fell out of it and Leon removed the gag and the guy asked, " Are you infected?"

" No....really..." said Leon, " Are you INFECTED?"

" What do you think?" asked the man.

" INFECTED!" cried Leon and pointed his gun at the guy's head.

" No! I'm not! Geez....."

Then they were rushed by a mob of angry,cloaked psychos who knocked them both out.

Leon dreamed that he was given a shot in the arm, and screamed remembering his fear of needles. Then he woke up, tied to that other guy.

"Well my names Luis," said Luis, who was tied to him, " I was an ex-cop sent to investigate-"

" My jacket!" responed Leon.

" What?"

" Those bas-"

" Bass!" I said, " I swear Leon, you just don't stop cursing do you?"

" Tell me you heard that...." begged Leon.

" Heard what?"

" The voice! It scolds me when I curse........DAMN! My jacket! My $500 jacket! They can attack me with knives, axes even chainsaws but now my jacket!? they've gone too far....."

" I wonder what they're using it for..."

Somewhere in a random hut........

A villager had Leon's jacket on and was sitting in front of a laptop. He spoke to his friend in rapid Spanish. Translation:

" Hey, Don Perdo! Look at this nice jacket! How much you think I could sell it on Ebay?"

" Hmm....." said Don Perdo, " Maybe 400 pestas? I don't know ask Dr. Salvortore."

Dr. Salvortore was none other than the chainsaw man, drinking a martini.

" Pestas?! Ha! " he said, as he pet his chainsaw lovingly. " How 'bout $600 american dollars! Then I can finally buy my baby a tune-up!"

" We'll be rich!" said Don Pedro, and they all laughed at their evil plan.

Back to our hero......Leon that is

Just then, a villager came in with an axe.

" You better think of something!" cried Luis.

" I know!" answered Leon, " If we stand up at the same time I can him a Kennedy Kick of Doom!"

" A what?"

Too late. The axe came swinging down, but luckily it hit the ropes and freed Luis and Leon. This allowed Leon to jump up and give him a Kennedy Kick of Doom :: which I'll now call a KKD because I'm too lazy to type.:: that took his head off.

" Victory Dance time!" cried Leon, and did his dance.

'His Dance' consisted of hops in the air, spastic arm movements and doing the monkey.

Luis ran off, scared. I can't say I blame him.

" Come here, stranger," said a cloaked figure from the window.

"Who....?" asked Leon.

He quickly moved outside of the house to see a trench-coat wearing man.

" I have something that may interst you." he said and opened up his coat.

" AHHHHH!!" screamed Leon, " Bad enough I have Spanish speaking nutcases wanting to cut me in tiny pieces and now I have to meet the village FLASHER!"

" What are you talking about, stranger?" asked the merchant.

Leon opened his eyes and saw that there was guns strapped to his coat.

" Uh.....forget what I said. Weapons, YAY!"

He picked out best friend #3, the sniper rifle.

" That'll be 1000 pestas," said the merchant.

" What?" asked Leon, " The hell I should pay money for weapons from an infected psycho. Infact, I should just shot you now and TAKE THE WEAPONS!"

" You can't do that."

" Why not?"

" Because your Leon, Mr. Goody 2 shoes. And besides if you kill me here I'll never sell you stuff in this area again."

" Ah, damn."

So Leon paid for the sniper rifle, grumbling.

Luna: wow.....longgggg chapter there. REVIEW! next chapter: The Big Cheese; Leon really shouldn't try to be witty.


	4. The Big Cheese: Leon really shouldn't tr...

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil! Or James Bond OR Solid Snake ::Metal Gear::

Luna: Wow.....21 reviews!? And I only put up 3 chapters so far! WOw! Thank u people who reviewed I love feedback!!! So here's Chapter 4!

Chapter 4: The Big Cheese; Leon really shouldn't try to be witty

Leon sniped out several annoying virus/psychotic/angry villagers, and then ran out of ammo. When he ran through the barracks, he shot the remainig 15.....relax its only 15..... He dashed to the door and paniced. THERE WAS NO DOORKNOB. Leon wanted to call Hunnigan, but he had a faint flashback of Raccoon City.

FlashBack!

" Ada!" whined Leon, " How do I open the door? It......doesn't have a DOORKNOB!"

Ada sighed. She thought Leon was hot, but kinda dumb. The door was locked, it needed a card key.

"You use a card key," said Ada, patiently, " Like this."

She put the card in the slot, and it opened.

" Magic!" exclaimed the rookie, gulliabe cop.

" Uh....yeah...." said Ada, rolling her eyes.

End flashback

" A card key!" said Leon, " Not only do I kick ass, are cooler and more popular with the ladies than James Bond and Solid Snake put together; I are smart!"

Leon back tracked and checked all the houses for a card key, but just ended up with 2 stone slabs. He went back to the door knob-less door and put the stones in the hole on the door.

" There's no card key....Ada....WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE?!" cried Leon.

Leon slammed his fist against the door and it opened.

" Magic!" cried Leon, the 27 year old man.

Then, he went through the waterways, underground. It was pretty boring and uneventful, except when he got ambushed. Leon was cornored and decided to use one of his most lethal weapons: the chicken eggs. He threw the egg in one of the villager's face; who screamed out, " Runaway! He's loaded!" They retreated.

Finally, Leon entered the village chief's house. He ran upstairs to see a 6'9 foot tall man in a cloak with a beard standing there. Instead of shooting him with a shotgun, or even a hangun, he gave him a taste of the KKD.

Unfortunlety, the chief didn't flinch when Leon kicked him square in the chest. The chief began choking Leon, who now couldn't breathe.

" Our blood runs through your veins..." he said, and threw Leon on his ass.

" Hunnigan!" screamed Leon into the walkietalkie, " I just had a run in with the Big Cheese of the village!"

" Big.....Cheese?" asked Hunnigan.

" Yeah! he could of killed me, but he didn't."

" Big Cheese? Who uses that term!? Seriously Leon, you shouldn't try to be witty.....Anyway, the people who are attacking you are cultists or something."

" What's wrong with Big Cheese? Did I mention how fine you look today?"

" Leon, look. We have to set rules. The first, no hitting on me. You were just almost killed and then you flirt with me? Where's your head at?"

" Well Hunnigan," I said, jacking the line, " Leon has a very short attention span. Note his stupidity and idol worship of Snake."

" YOU!" cried Leon, " You're the voice that yells at me for cursing!"

" Uh.....yeah...." said Hunnigan, " It's just Luna."

" Why do I hear her voice?" panicked Leon.

" I'm.....just your conscience!" I declared, an idea forming, " Like Jimmey Cricket!"

" OH.....but then why can she hear you too?"

"Um.....magic...?"

" OKAY!" said Leon, buying it.

Well, that was close. ANyway, Leon went his way to the lake. OF HELL. There he spotted one of the cowardly guys who drove him to the Village of Freakyness being thrown into the lake, as food. He was eaten by a large, whale, sharp-toothed thing.

" Well, that's my plan," said Leon, and hopped on the motor boat.

He rode a short while until the thing which I call 'Big-toothed-annoyance-that-takes-too-long-to-kill' or BTA for short. BTA hooks itself onto the anchor and drags Leon's boat along with him.

" AHHHHHH!!!" screamed Leon, then he noticed a harpoon, " A harpoon.....heheheh COME AND GET ME!"

The BTA surfaced, mouth wide open. Leon threw a harpoon in its mouth and it screamed. Leon smiled, proud of his smartness. Then, he made a fatal error. He did his dance, and fell out of the boat.

Luna: CLIFFHANGER TIME! MWHAHAHAHAHAH ::pauses for breath:: AHHAHAHAHAH......um...review! Next chapter: If I shoot them in the head....WHAT THE? 


	5. If I shoot them in the headWHAT THE?

Disclaimer: I dont own Resident evil 4....duh

Luna: MORE REVIEWS YAY!!! OKay to make up for the shortness of the last chapter i made this one SUPER EXTRA LONG!!!! And here we go!!!

Chapter 5: If I shoot them in the head....WHAT THE-?

Leon swam as fast as his ripped, muscler hot body- uh...? Oh...sorry hehehe. He swam as fast as he could. Leon got safely on the on the boat & harpooned the BTA.

5 minutes, 12 harpoons & Leon swimming back and forth later.....

" I slayed the beast!" cried Leon, " WOOP WOOP!

Leon got in position to do his dance, but then got dizzy and fell into the cottage. He woke up and saw black veins spreading from his arms and face and screamed, " NOOO!! MY BEAUTIFUL COMPLEXION!"

Then Leon woke up, his Codec ringing. It was Hunnigan. Duh.

" Leon, we haven't had a transmission for over 5 hours. I was getting worried."

" Don't you mean lonely?"

" Leon.....do you ever learn?"

" What do you want to hear?"

"Well Ashelys in the chruch. You should go get her."

" Alrighty."

Leon realized it was night. He ran up a path guided by torchlights. Then, infected wolves attacked. Leon blew a new hole in each of them with the shotgun.

" Okay play dead!" said Leon, as they died.

It seems that when one survives horrid encounters with gruesome infected creatures, cheesy jokes help keep your sanity.......but Leons sanity was too far gone.

So Leon kept walking until a villager attacked, and he blew his head off. But then a thing came out of his head, a leech like thing with a swinging blade.

" What the-?"

Leon shot the leech thing with his friend Mr. Shotgun., killing it.

" Ewww....." he mumbled.

So he went to the waterway, got the key, blah blah blah. Nothing intersting happened until another villager came at him. Leon, having a small attentionspan, shot his head off. The leech thing came out again.

" What kind of sick joke is this?" screamed Leon, " This whole time its 'shoot them in the head, shoot them in the head' and now its 'shoot them in the head and a surprise pops out and eats you?! WHY ME!?"

Leon disposed of it, and kept going. Now I'm gonna skip ahead a bit to when Leon gets Ashely. I could go on about Leon running, shooting things and stuff but I won't bore you to death. But before that, he had to pass through the barracks. All the gates were locked and the villagers dragged out a HUGE giant that threw and stepped on villagers.

" Can my life suck anymore than now?" asked Leon

The giant ran at him and Leon rolled out of the way. Then he unloaded 2 shotgun shells into the beast. Leon heard howling shortly after.

" Hey, its that dog," said Leon, " HI! AWWW!! FLUFFY PUPPY!"

The dog had a Rocket Launcher and shot the giant, causing it to rain giant bits.

" Whoa...." said Leon.

" And now we're even," said the dog, and winked.

Confused, Leon decided to go and save Ashely. He ran, killed stuff, repeat. He was finally in the chruch and completed the puzzle. Leon opened the door to her room.

" Don't come!" cried Ashely.

She slapped him upside the head, kicked him in his manly area and scracthed him. Leon fell to the floor, grimaced in pain and squeaked, " Your father sent me."

" My father?" asked Ashely, brightening, " Why did he only send one? Oh....sorry for ambushing you..."

Leon got up, clutching his cheek and said, " I'm okay, Ahem. Come with me if you want to live."

" Isn't that from that Terminater movie?"

" Hehe...yeah let's go."

Leon ran out, followed by Ashely. He jumped down, deciding he was too cool to climb down ladders. And Ashely was too lazy, so she jumped and Leon caught her. Damn. I was hoping he'd drop her.

" Hi....." she said, staring into his eyes.

" Hi you can let go of me now...." said Leon, uncomfortable.

" Okay...." she said, and did, but still was staring at him.

" There you are, American Agent." said a new voice

That voice belonged to a cloaked figure with a staff.

" Who are you?" asked Leon.

" I am Osma Saddler," said he, " The founder of this fine establishment."

" Congrats to you," said Leon, " Nice to meet you. We'll just be going...."

" You will join me soon, I will have complete control over your minds. Now you will bring the girl home and they'll be a big party until the eggs hatch."

" Eggs hatch?" asked Leon, frantically searching his attache case for the eggs, " Hey they didn't hatch! LIAR!"

" Idiot.....In your blood, stomach everywhere just like the girl."

" What? Ashely's pregenant?" asked Leon.

" Huh?" said AShely," NO! NO IM NOT!!"

" No...." said Saddler, " Must I explain everything to you?"

They nodded.

" Ahh...." countied Saddler, " I ingected you both with the same virus as us. The Plaga virus. In that virus you'll both be controlled by the parasite. Understand?"

" Oh, Oh Question!" said Leon, waving his hand in front of Saddler, " I thought that was a dream. I thought I had another hangover, because I'm telling you I get these FREAKY dreams when I get drunk. There was this one dream when I was a cinnamon bun and this fat guy ate me and I was screaming NOOO!!-"

" Leon....." said Ashely, " I think they ingected me with the same thing."

Flash back

Ashely is clawing, slapping, crouch kicking and hair pulling her way through the sea of cultists. Finally, a cultist just jabs her in the neck with a needle.

End Flash back

" Ashely!" cried Leon, " What did you do to her?"

" I infected her!" screamed Saddler, " I told you that already! What, do you have an attention sapn of the 3 year old?"

" Hey what's with those symbols everywhere? They look like a pogostick with a crown, no....more like a pixie stick-"

".........WE need a ransom-uh donation. It takes alot of moolah to keep our parasites happy. Now hand over the girl!"

" Over my bloody, worm consumed, complusive, rotting-" began Leon.

" Hey Leon I'm trying to keep this fic PG-13! SO stop with the gross descriptive adjectives!" I shouted.

" Oh....okay. Then OVER MY DEAD BODY!" screamed Leon.

" That can be arranged," said Saddler.

Several robed cultist appeared with bow& arrow guns. One had a scratch mark on his face, another was limping, 3rd with an imprint of a hand on his face and the last cowered in fear at the site of Ashely.

" Come on!" cried Leon and grabbed her hand.

He pulled Ashely out of harms way and they jumped out a window.

" You okay?' asked Leon, as he stood up.

" Yeah, fine," said Ashely, " Leon, I don't wanna end up like them! They have no fashion sense, are ugly and smell bad! Is that shallow of me?"

" What? Uh, no-no...." said Leon, " Don't worry. We'll find a cure."

Always the optimist, Leon and Ashely walked off.

Luna: Woo.....that was long......Review.....Next chapter6: REturn to Freaky village.


	6. Return to Freaky Village

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil.

Luna: Hey everyone! Chapter 6! Read! Review! Enjoy!

Chapter 6: Return to Freaky Village

Leon recieved a transmission from Hunnigan.

" Hey guess what?" asked Leon.

" What?" repiled Hunnigan.

" I saved Ashely! Who the man?"

" Great! We'll have a helicopter pick you up, although there's a high probablity it'll be shot down, cause there's still much more horrors and stupidity to endure!"

" What?"

" Uh, its a Resident Evil rule. 1: If your encounter with the undead and/or infected persons seems too quick and too easy and your promised an escape route out; odds are you won't be saved."

"...Then what do I do?"

" Just pretend we never had this conversation."

" Wait! So your saying noones coming?"

" Leon..." said Ashely.

" What?"

" There's an infected creepy guy over there," she said, and cowered behind him.

Leon fired some rounds into the infected ones kneecaps and finished him off with a KKD.

" Leon, what happened before?" asked Ashely.

"...we'll have a helicopter pick us up soon." he annouced, and completly forgot his conversation with Hunnigan;due to ADD.

They traveled through the deserted village and came to a hidden path. The whiny president's daughter and her guardian went through the door and ended up in a farm area.

Leon heard some infected people approaching and said, " My Kennedy infected senses are tingling. Quick Ashely, hide in that conviently placed garbage can!"

" What?" said Ashely, " No way! These boots are 800 Prada boots!"

Leon looked at her boots and said, " Looks like something more from Payless Shoes."  
" Leon!" said Ashely, " You! Well, your boots look like they came from a thrif shop!"

" Uh, Ashely I'm a guy, remember? I don't care about footwear. Who does...?"

Somewhere...in a mansion.

Alfred Ashford was wearing a dress, pradas and makeup. The door bell rings and Alfred runs to answer it.

" Special Devlivery for Mr./Mrs. Ashford." said the UPS guy.

" Oooo! I'm Mr. and Mrs. Ashford!" said Alfred.

" Here you go," said The UPS guy and handed him a package, " that'll be 800!"

" Fine," he answered and over the cash.

Our cross-dressing friend tears open the bag hungrily.

" ITS FABULOUS!" squealed Alfred, holding up none other than Leon's 500 jacket.

He puts it on and says, " Now I'm a man and a woman:in Alexia's voice: Does this jacket make my hips look big:in normal voice: No, Alexia, it looks wonderful!"

I know I have disturbed you by typing this, heck I just disturbed myself. So I'll go back to the story.

Back to brat & our cute but dumb agent...

" Look, I'm trying to save your life here!" said Leon, annoyed, " I'll get less money if I bring you back dead!"

" Alright, I'll go on one condition," said Ashely, " You just come with me shopping for new Pradas when we get home."

" Ugh. Shopping..." said Leon, " Fine. JUST GET IN THE DAMN GARBAGE CAN!"

Ashely obeyed. Finally.

Leon cleaned house with his abilities of squeezing a trigger and KKDS. Funny how he's only 7 years older than her and yet she can't use a gun. Or any weapon. I mean, Rebecca was 18 and she used a gun...I guess Ashely's too much of a prima donna. Or maybe Leon should teach her just in case they get separated :hint hint:Anyway, Leon whistled for her and they countied to the exit.

" Hmm...it's locked." said Leon, " Hey Ashely, get on my back and open it."

" WHAT?" screamed Ashely.

" Piggyback. ON my shoulders."

" Oh...Okay."

She did and Leon tried hard to stop his knees from buckling. She wasn't as light as she looked.

" Leon, I unlocked it." said Ashely.

" Encore!" I cried, " She unlocked the door! WOW she is so useful..."

Leon chuckles and opens the door. They walk along a bridge and Leon recieves a call from Hunnigan.

" Leon! The helicopter was shot down! I knew it'd be shot down! 1 point for Hunnigan on foreshadowing!"

" Dammnit! What do we do?"

" PANIC! Sorry, I always wanted to say that. We'll send a second copter soon."

" Fine Hunnigan...We'll go to the extraction point anyway."

Leon and Ashely kept walking until Ashely sniffed the air said, " I smell...unfashionable...villagers...about 200...maybe 400..."

" You can smell them?" asked Leon.

Well, looks like she is useful.

He looked behind him and saw an angry mob several yards away running towards them.

" An angry mob!" cried Ashely, " What do we do?"

" Are mobs ever happy?" asked Leon, " COME ON! TO THE CABIN!"

They raced into the cabin where Luis was waiting.

" OH so this is Ashely," said Luis, " Looks like the president armed his daughter with Ballistics."

" What?" screamed Leon, " They rigged her with bombs! Don't worry Ashley, I'll disarm those bombs!"

Leon was about to jump on top of her when she shouted, " No! He's just being perverted!"

" Oh..." said Leon.

" Did you send out those invitiations?"asked Luis, " I said no more than 50 people!"

" You were having a party and didn't invite me?" asked Leon, sadly.

" It was a joke..."

" Ashely go do what you do best! Hide!"

Ashely ran upstairs as the mob surrounded the house.

" Ready?" asked Luis.

" No! I'm still writing my Last Will and Testament!"

" Leon!"

" Alright! Let's do this!"

Luna: Guess what time it is folks? TIME FOR A CHAPTER END! Next chapter: 2 chainsaw wielding psychos, a cute but dumb agent and a brat.


	7. 2 Chainsaw wielding psychos, a cute but ...

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil...

Luna: I can't believe it I got 38 REVIEWS! That's the most reviews I have EVER GOTTEN:hops around like an idiot: Thank you people who read & Reviewed! Oh and in chapter 6, when it said Leon's 500 jacket it was susposed to be 500 dollar jacket and I put the dollar sign but for some reason that never showed up in the chapter...Anyway HERE'S CHAPTER 7!

Chapter 7: 2 chainsaw wielding psychos, a cute but dumb agent and a brat.

Leon blocked the door with a cabinet as Luis shot people through the window with his Red9.

" Time for my good friend the shotgun!" declared Leon, " Did I mention I upgraded it to have 10 rounds? EAT LEAD!"

Some villagers came strolling in and Leon and Luis mowed them down.

" If I die, I would've gave you my jacket, but someone STOLE MY JACKET!" screamed Leon, shooting down villagers in the name of his jacket.

Meanwhile...

Don Perdo, Dr. Salvotare and random guy who sold Leon's jacket were rejoicing.

" Ahahahahahah!" said the Dr., " Apparently, 1000 pestas are equal to 5 cents in American money. I have so much money I even had enough to buy my 2 sisters chainsaws of their very own!"

" Am I the only one who thinks that Drag Queen was loco?" asked Don Perdo.

" That was a man?" asked Random.

" Yeah stupido," said the docoter.

"...NOW WE CAN FINALLY GET THE STUPID AMERICAN since we stole his jacket!" screamed Don Perdo.

"...? This is stupid," said Random, " I think I'm gonna get out of here, maybe go on a cruise...get away from all the violence."

" He's turning normal," said Dr.S, " We must dispose of him before the normal infection spreads throughout his body. And then he'll try to make us go to the darkside..."

Back to Leon and Luis...

" When does it end?" asked Leon, reloading his shotgun for the millionth time.

Several clips of ammo, swear words, KKD's and 40 dead villagers later...

The villagers finally decided to run off.

" Thank God! And my shotgun!" said Leon, "Ashely, you can come out now!"

" I...uh forgot something...I gotta go..." said Luis.

" Why?" asked Leon, " If we all band together and combine our skills, we might me able to survive. After all, 2 heads are better than 1."  
" That's a good one, Leon," said Luis, brushing off Leon's sudden and rare stroke of brillance as a joke.

And Luis ran off. Because he was dumb.

" My hero!" gushes Ashely.

" Yeah, let's go," said Leon, ignoring her.

Leon & Ashely went to the next area where Leon upgraded his weapons, thanks to the merchant. He then rose a lever to open a gate and they went through.

" Ashely get in the trash can!" said Leon.

She obeyed, although she didn't wanna stain her pretty boots...she rather be killed by chainsaw manics than have her perfect boots ruined...

The endless supply of villagers came at him, and Leon spotted the gasoline barrel. He shot it, and the villagers went KABOOM! Leon whistled for Ashely, and they went up the ladder. Seeing nowhere else to go, Leon jumps down into the arena OF DOOM!

There he was greeted by not one, BUT 2 chainsaw manics.

" Today just isn't my day," said Leon, " Or week. Or 6 years."

Leon killed both manics with the shotgun, of course. 14 rounds each. For his efforts he got a ruby and a key.

"ASHELY!" cried Leon, and the girl jumped into his arms.

" I have a question," said Leon, " How did they kidnap you?"

" With force!" said Ashely, " Lots and lots of force!"

Flashback

" Ashely Graham?" asked Saddler. He was in her college campus, and suspected this dumb girl to be the president's daughter.

" Who wants to know?" asked Ashely, carrying a 12 pack of Coors.

" Forgive me, I am Osma Saddler," said he, " And you need to come with for...underage drinking!"

" I'm 21."

" Prada Boots!"  
" What? Where? This isn't some scam to kidnap me for ransom in a big conspiracy where my only hope lies in that of a cute but dumb agant, right?"

" No...why would you ever think that?" asked Saddler, innocently.

End Flashback

" Ah...I see. It WAS Umbrella..." said Leon.

" Umbrella? No I was kidnapped by a person...not an umbrella..." said Ashely.

" That's what the all say!"

Ashely blinked, confused. I must say I'm also as confused.

They entered the next area where they were rushed by a mob. I lost track of all the mobs that rab after them.Leon threw some grenades and shot the barrell and they went BOOM!

" Leon, since we're going to be here a while, don't you think we should get to know each other better?" asked Ashely.

" What are you trying to say?" asked Leon, dumbly.

" What's your favorite color? Movie, shoe brand, food, song?" She asked rapidly.

" Uh...blue...'Dawn of the Dead', Timberland, steak, what doe this have to do with anything?"

" No reason..." But everyone who's reading this knows why...I think...

" Look! A thing!" cried Leon.

The 'thing' was a trolley of sorts.

" Let's go on the ride!" cried Leon, a little too exicted.

He and Ashely boarded it, and Leon sniped anything that moved. Or didn't move.

" Do you know what I realized?" asked Leon, as they got off.

" What?"

" That I haven't done my dance since...awhile. I MUST DO MY DANCE!"

And he did. And Ashely was scarred for life.

Luna: End Chapter! Next chapter: Leon v.s Cheese!


	8. Leon vs Cheese

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil or Terminator, same appiles for chapter 5 or whichever chapter I used w/ a Terminator quote.

Luna: 40 reviews! Wow...40...uh, anyway heres Chapter 8!

Chapter 8: Leon v.s Cheese

Leon left Ashely outside the shed, expecting the worst. He was right. The Cheese, Bitores Mendez ambushed him. Leon was being strangled by him again and thrown on his ass. Again. Luckily, there was a conviently placed gasoline container next to the Cheese. Leon shot it saying, " Asa La Vista Baby!"

The Cheese blew up, and Leon did his dance at the wrongest time. Because the Cheese had gotten up with an EXTRA LONG SPINAL chord attached to his torso." Why can't it every be easy?" asked Leon.

Leon dodged the Cheese and busted several caps in Mendez's spinal chord. Leon climbed up the ladder and collected some herbs and ammo. He jumped back down and the Cheese attacked him.

" Ow!" screamed Leon, " You gave me a boo-boo!"

Then he got knocked down again. Leon ran a hand through his hair and yelled, " First you give me a boo-boo and now you mess up my hair! NOONE MEESES UP THE KENNEDY HAIR CUT! NOONE!"

Leon opened a can of whupass on him, and shot The Cheese. Alot. Until he spilt into the upper torso that was climbing up the rafters. The Cheese dropped down on Leon and he did a KKD and shot him. Dead.

" About time," said Leon, grabbing the pestas and the fake eye.

Leon ran back to the entrance to leave, but then saw that The Cheese had curved an iron bar around the handles so he couldn't leave.

" I finally grated the Cheese," said Leon, chuckling at his own lame joke, " And now I can't find a way out..."

2 hours, multiple swearing and self pity later...

" There it was!" exclaimed Leon, " It was that hole in the wall the whole time!"

Happy, Leon exited the torture shed, rejoined with Ashely.

" Are you okay Leon?" asked Ashely.

" Peachy," said Leon, " Just peachy."

They went back across the bridge with the big metal doors.

" It's locked!" annouced Leon.

" Should I climb on your shoulders again?" asked Ashely.

" It's too high..."

Am I the only one disturbed by Ashely wanting to do 'piggyback' with Leon?

" Did you see the fake eye the Cheese had?" asked Leon, holding it up.

Light struck the eye and the door opened.

" Magic!" cried Leon.

They went through the doors and were greeted by yes, another very pissed off mob. Leon began shooting at them until a truck sped towards him, mowing down anything in its way.

" Wow, that's alot worst than my first time behind the wheel," mused Leon.

" SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!" screamed Ashely.

" Alright,...Geez you don't have to shout..." said Leon.

He shot the truck until it turned over and died.

Ashely & Leon raced across yet ANOTHER bridge from yet ANOTHER furious mob.

" Hurry!" said Leon, " To the dark, haunted looking castle! We'll be safe there!"

Ashely nodds, and they operate the cranks together to pull up the drawbridge. Then, they go through the doors to where the merchant is.

" Hey merchant!" said Leon, casually.

" Got some fine goods on sale, stranger."

" Really? How, might I ask, did you get all this weapons?"

"...I always had them."

" Not when I first met you!"

" I never seen you before, stranger,"

" So...there is more than one of you..."

" Quite obviously."

" Oh...HOW DID YOU GET ALL THESE FIREARMS?"

" Us merchants are travellers bent on making cash. Word on the street was a stranger was coming, and we wanted to help."

" If you really wanted to help, you'd use those weapons you have to fight the infected or just give them to me."  
" Sorry. Us merchants worship the almighty dollar. We were failed experiments of the 'Door-to-Door Salesman' virus."  
" Door to Door Salesman?"

" Yes, stranger. The combo of a Plaga and a salesman. Meant to gain money for the cult...but..."

Flashback!

The merchant is dressed in his usual garb, carrying a briefcase. His location is the suburbs. He rings a door bell and makes his pitch," Would you like a handgun, stranger? Or a shotgun? Perhaps a sniper rifle? Or a mighty fine Rocket Launcher for that special someone?"

He got the door slammed in his face. Alot. One person was even interested in what he was selling; but when the merchant opened his trechcoat to show him...The man screamed, "FLASHER!" and the cops went after him.

So the merchants decided to go to the bad part of town. Ganglands. Selling dictornaries. Poor, dumb merchants. Do I even have to say what happened to them?

But then one merchant said, " I got it! A stranger will come to our village and he will be so desparate he has to buy stuff from us!"

End Flashback

"...it didn't work out..."

" Ah-ha! But you still didn't tell me HOW you got all the weapons!"

"...Magic?"

"Really?"

Luna: I had just noticed that in the last chapter I wrote I had some spelling errors. When Leon said, " That's what the all say" its susposed to be 'they'. I have the most worst inaccurate program when I type that doesn't have spell check...STUPID COMPUTER! Anyway sorry for confusion, Reviews! Next Chapter: Enter The midget


	9. Enter the Midget

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Resident Evil, 0-4 as I've been stating for THE PAST 8 CHAPTERS!

Luna: Okay, here's Chapter 9! Still in awe of the popularity of this fic...um...yeah, here's Chapter 9!

Chapter 9: Enter the Midget

Leon sold his old weapons for the Blacktail, Riot gun and Sniper Rifle :the semi-auto shiny one: He also drooled over the Rocket Launcher, but was too poor to buy it..awwww...

So Leon Ashely ran up the castle stairs to the roof. There they were attacked by fireballs.

" Goodness, Graucious, GREAT BALLS OF FIRE" screamed Leon.

" Leon, that wasn't funny, it was dumb" said Ashely" OH MY GOD! THE FIRE BALLS ARE COMING! HOLD ME, LEON"

Ashely threw herself at Leon, who side stepped her.

" How about we NEVER talk about this again" asked Leon"OOO! A penny..."

The 2 heros, make that 1 hero and 1 piece of whiny baggage ran some more until they saw a small building.

" Hide in that shack thing" commanded Leon.

He left Ashely in the shack and sniped out the conviently place gasoline cans next to the cultists operating the catapults.

" Careless, careless" said Leon" Someone could accidently shoot that container and have you all go boom. DIE INFECTED SCUM, DIE"

And they did die. Leon turned the crank to raise the cannon which blew open the castle doors.

" Come on, Ashely" said Leon.

" Can't we take a break" whined Ashely" I'm cold, hungry, my feet ache and I haven't been able to condition my hair in the longest! My Pradas are ruined, you tend to not get a hint about anything and...I'm INFECTED."

Leon rolled his eyes.

I thought Leon was bad with his spastic victory dances, KKDS, ADD, bad desicion making and cheesy pick-up lines...But Ashely is just a whiny brat who's sole purpose is to A. Get in the way B. Get kidnapped C. Seduce Leon D. Whine.

" Hey Leon" said a new voice, Luis" I got something for you guys."

Luis reached in hsi pocket and pulled out: lint, Snoopy Pez Despenser and a piece of string.

" I want the Snoopy Pez Despenser" cried Leon.

" No" said Luis" That's not what...Damn, I must've dropped it when they were chasing me."

" But...its Snoopy" declared our 3-year old Leon, who grabbed it out of Luis's hand.

" I'll go with you" offered Ashely.

" Why" asked Leon" So you can get killed? You can't use any weapons, and since Luis isn't getting paid; he'd probably run off and leave you for dead."

" Yeah, he's right" said Luis" So stay with Leon and be a good girl."

And Luis ran off. He was a very dumb man.

" Mmmm...Lemon" said Leon, as he ate some Pez.

Leon and Ashely countied beyond the doors. Leon had fun shooting and Ashely had fun cowering behind him. Wait...that came out wrong... Nothing more mentionable happened until they went in the Castle Hall.

On the baloney was a short, creepy man surrounded by 2 red cloaked figures.

" Welcome, Mr.Kennedy" said the midget" I am Ramon Salazar, the owner of this castle."

" Hi! I'm Leon and this is Ashely" said Leon" And I'll be kicking your midgety ass shortly as Ashely hides somewhere."

" Your very funny, Mr. Kennedy" said Salazar" And I love how you take cheap shots at my height."  
" Yeah, well, rain, shine, sleet, hail or snow I'm gonna beat you" said Leon.

" Hehehe, Enjoy yourselves at my humble abode" said Salazar, and he and his creepy bodyguards departed.

" Creepy..." said Ashely.

" Don't worry, Ashely" said Leon" He seems easy to beat. I mean, he's the height of a 3-year old. Ack, grape Pez...want some"

" Uh...no..." said Ashely.

And you have the mind of a 3-year old, thought Ashely, but the body of a hot 27 year old...

They went through another room with fire breathing horses and couldn't pass. So they got to a dining room like area.

" Hmm...there must be a switch in the room somewhere..." said Leon, after taking everything that wasn't nailed down" And my Kennedy infected senses tell me you must stay behind."

" Okay...Can I have the Pez? Incase, you like, die"

" Never" cried Leon" ITS MINE! MINE"

And Leon descended, into a prison like area. There was one guy behind bars with his eyes sewn shut.

" Ouch..." muttered Leon" That's gotta hurt..."

He raised the lever next to the creepy guy's cell. It did turn off the flaming horses, but opened the THINGS cell door as well. :Its real name is the Garrader:

" Ahhhhh" screamed Leon, and ran.

The Garroder heard him and charged, Leon avoiding becoming mince meat by a fraction of a second.

" No! Idiot! He can't see you, only hear! Don't make a sound, walk and shoot the bells." I said.

Leon did listen. Since he didn't have to fight, he listened to his instincts. He ran. Or walked, rather, out the door.

Leon commanded Ashely to follow him. They walked through the firebreathing horses, without the fire.

They entered an area that was swamped with enemies. Carrying shields. So Leon tossed some grenades and blew them apart with his Riot Gun. I'm going to skip ahead to the part when Ashely raises the platforms, to stop boring you people with details of Leon's fight.

" Leave it to me, Leon" said Ashely, who climbed from his shoulders to a platform.

Leon got into sniper mode and sucessfully sniped the first 2 cultists that tried to attack her. But he was then distracted by the infected cultists running straight at him. He dealt with them, but by doing so, allowed Ashely to get carried off.

" LEON, HELP! LEON! HELP! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEE LEEEOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN" shrieked Ashely.

She was so loud, Leon swore she bursted his eardrums. But the whiny screams worked, and the cultist dropped her. Ashely's screams were so loud, that the cultist's head exploded.

" That's convient" said Leon, ears still ringing.

Luna: Yay! I'm done for now. Next Chapter: Leon losses things easily. 


	10. Leon losses things easily

Disclaimer:drumroll please: I DON'T OWN RESIDENT EVIL ANYTHING!

Luna: Hi everyone! This the most chapters I've ever written...wow...but don't worry it won't be the last. As for the suggestion of me poking fun at Assignment Ada and The Mercanies, that's a pretty good idea! But I'm not sure if I'll do that yet, I wanna focus on this first. Reviews give me the inspiration to write more, so thank you all who reviewed:smiles dumbly: OKay here it is!

Chapter 10: Leon losses things easily...

Ashely rose both platforms, and Leon ran to catch her. Unfortunely, for all of you Ashely haters :like me, he didn't drop her. They ran across the platforms to a very quiet hall. The merchant was there, and so was a door with 2 golden lugars : i think thats what they're called...: painted on it.

He and Ashely went through the door and ended up in a lobby like area. Leon went to talk to the merchant.

" Welcome, stranger" said the merchant" This is the shooting range. You must use weapons of my choice against them. If you get over 3000 points, you get a bottle cap. Get a row of 6 and you get pestas."

" So what your saying is" said Leon" that you want me to do a minigame that will end up being more harder than the rewards are worth while the Plaga eggs fester and hatch inside our very flesh? When time is of the essence, you expect me to waste time shooting pieces of wood for bottlecaps while in every second our condition worsens"

"...yes.."

" Okay! Why not"

2 hours, rounds of ammo, and lots of swearing later...

Leon finally got 3 of the 6 bottlecaps.

" Hey look Ashely" said Leon" It's a figurine of you! And me! And Ada"

Ashely grabbed the bottlecap of herself and said" It's very...accurate..."

She pushes the button and the bottlecap screams" Leon, HELP"

Glass shattered and the merchant screamed" MAKE IT STOP, STRANGER, MAKE IT STOP"

"Who's Ada" asked Ashely.

" My girlfriend" said Leon, smiling.

"Oh..."said Ashely" Your lying aren't you"

"...No"

" Yes you are"

" N-no! I'm not! She's noone...She's of my past...Damn, I just ran out of Lemon Pez..."

Ashely took the bottlecap of Leon with a shotgun and pressed the button.

" Don't worry, Ashely, I'm coming for you" said the Leon bottlecap.

If I had a dollar for everytime he said that...I'd have 4 dollars!

" Alright, merchant number 15" said Leon" I wanna try the shooting range again"

Meanwhile...

A bored Ashely was playing with bottlecaps.

" Don't worry Ashely" said Ashely as Leon" I won't let the evil Ada get you"

" Mwhahahah" said Ashely as Ada" The girl belongs to Saddler. Just try and stop me"

" Die" said Ashely as Leon, and pretends to shoot Ada.

" My hero" screamed Ashely.

" Don't worry Ashely" said Ashely as Leon" Will you marry me"

" I do! I do" shouted Ashely.

" Uh, Ashely, what are you doing" asked Leon, afraid of the answer.

" Nothing" she screamed" Absolutely nothing"

" Uh-huh..." said Leon, really freaked out" Can I have my bottle caps back"

She handed over all of them, except the Leon bottlecap. Leon didn't notice. ADD is a horrid disease, folks.

Leon lad Ashely out of the shooting range and into the hall again. They were going down a long corridor when Ashely broke into a coughing fit.

" Are you okay" asked Leon, reaching a hand out to her.

"I'm fine" said Ashely" Now just leave me alone"

She ran further down the hall and Leon said" Ashely! No, wait! If you get killed, I won't get money. And then I can't get a replica of my jacket"

But Ashely kept running until a gate separated them. Then another gate, and another and another. Until Ashely had her back against the wall and metal bonds trapped her. " Leon" she screamed.

And the wall turned. And she was gone.

Leon got a transmission from the midget, Salazar.

" Ah, I see Ashey has fallen into one of our lovely traps" said Salazar" No matter, we'll find her. And I've let our miserable insects out of their cages in the sewer."

" Great" exclaimed Leon" I haven't killed something for over 10 minutes, unless you count the wooden targets...I need to shoot something"

" Right..." said Salazar" I have business to attend to."

" Don't worry, Salazar" said Leon" I'm coming for you. TO DIE"

With those words, Leon went through the sewer doors to quench his thirst for shooting things.

And he did find the insects. They were basically mutated roaches.

" Ewww..." said Leon.

And they were invisble sometimes.

Leon found one and used his riot gun. 2 more jumped at him and he KKD'd them, and fired some rounds.

" Just call me Leon Kennedy, Exteriminator of Infected Insects" cried Leon, and struck a pose.

Luna: Okay! End chapter 10, next chapter: Swinging Pendulums...OF DOOM!


	11. The Swinging PendulumsOF DOOM!

Disclaimer: I don't own RE ANYTHING!

Luna: I have a problem that you might of noticed in the last 2 chapters. For some reason whenever I put a puncation mark at the end of quotation marks :for example " Leon" and i bet that didn't even show up: it doesn't show up in the chapter...I have the most stupidest, spell checkless program called "Word Pad". Does anyone else have this problem? Is it because of my program or is it the site? Does anyone know how to fix it? If you know, please post the answer in the review...thanks for listening to me jabber. Now chapter 11...

Chapter 11: The Swinging Pendulums...of DOOM!

After draining the water in the sewer, Leon moved on to the next room.

This room had swinging Pendulums. Leon gluped and whimpered. If his timing was off by a hair, he'd be sliced and diced.

" Leon" I shouted.

" Conscience"

" Uh...yeah. It's easy. Just go as close as you can to the Pendulum...NO! NOT THAT CLOSE! Oh, okay, your fine now. When I say now, run. NOW! OKay, great, all body parts intact...NOW! Alright, just a little more...JUMP, NOW! Great! You lived"

" Thanks dismebodied voice" said Leon.

He climbed up the ladder and ended up in the top balconey. Below him were a group of cultists, chanting in Spanish. A grin formed on Leon's lips. He had an idea...

He threw a grenade in the middle of them, oblivationing them all. They all left shiny objects upon dying.

" Shiny!..." said Leon" they better be worth something."

Leon went into another larger room, where cultists attacked from all sides. Leon noticed a red robed cultist; running away. First he took out all the cultists with shields with his favortive gun, the Riot Gun!

Then Leon saw the Red cultist again. He ran after him again and then the cultist went to use a HUGE GATTLING GUN!

"...No! NOOO! NOOOO" screamed Leon, sounding much like himself from Resident Evil 2.

And Leon sniped out the cultist, and finally got the gallery key.

The next room had a puzzle.

" 6 must die..." said Leon, reading the inscription.

There was 4 portraits of dead people. How very happy.

"...If I press this..." said Leon.

3 hours later...

" Ahahahaha" yelled Leon" I did it! I solved the puzzle"

" What, would you like a cookie" I asked" Keep going..."

He went to the next room, greeted by Salazar.

" Salazar" screamed Leon.

" Ah, Mr. Kennedy" said Salazar" Your stupid American life ends now."

" Why are you guys so racists against americans" asked Leon" Is it cause we're the most powerful country in the world? Or because we have fast, sporty cars? Or cause we have fast food resturants and the highest obeseity in the world? Or is it cause"

" Shutup" screamed Salazar" You should just die already! So...irrating...kill him"

Salazar turned to leave and of course, Leon couldn't get to him because he was on a balconey. As usual. Someone has height issues...

Two cultists appeared with Rocket Launchers. ROCKET LAUNCHERS.

" OH SH:bleep"

This time I didn't scream 'stop the profanity'. Because if I was being chased by guys with Rocket Launcher wielding guys, I'd be saying ALOT worse.

Luckily, Leon ran and the cultists fired and blew themselves up. Leon smiled like an idiot, did his dance, and then deactivated the secruity switches. 2 more Rocket Launcher people came up to him.

" EEPPP" screamed Leon.

They had bad aim. He lived. So he was able to go through the door to a courtyard garden.

He got a transmission from Salazar.

" I see you survived, Mr. Kennedy" said Salazar" This is my beautiful garden. Try and try as you might, you won't be able to get out alive."

" Nice garden" said Leon" Are you growing a cash crop? Like weed? Or marajuin? Or pot"

" No..." said Salazar.

" You're lying. I bet that's the whole evil plan" declared Leon" You're having a blackmarket drug ring and planning to drug the president through Ashely so you can TAKE OVER THE WORLD"

" Didn't Saddler tell you he infected Ashely to get a ransom and infect him and everyone else around the president"

" He did? He did"

" Ugh...Anyway, even if you do make it out of the hedge maze, you'll become a tasty treat for one of my dogs."

" I'm on to you, Salazar"

" Sure..."

Luna: Short chapter, I know. I was hoping to fix the problem soon by posting this. Anyway, stay tuned for the next longer funnier chapter 12 : ADAAAA!


	12. ADAAAAAA!

Disclaimer: I don't own RE.

Luna: Hi folks! 1st of all I'd like to thank Shady777 for her suggestion about the problem I had with the puncation marks, this time I won't preview it. As for the Mircosoft word thing, I have it but whenever I tried to upload it, the site kept saying 'upload failure' and wouldn't do it. Anyway, here's Chapter 12!

Chapter 12: ADAAAAAAAAAA!

Leon was bored. He sucessfully killed every dog, infected dog that is, and put the 2moonstones together. Much to his dismay, he couldn't find any weed, pot or any illegal substances to arrest Salazar on. Then he remembered that Salazar was evil and infected so he could kill him.

He entered the bedroom and a lady in a red dress attacked him. After some fancy hand-to-hand combat, Leon and the 'mystery' woman distanced themselves from each other.

She took off her sunglasses and said" Been a long time, Leon."

" Ada" asked Leon" Your alive! And still fighting the undead in a cocktail dress and high heels, I see. And judging by your fancy sunglasses, you're working for Wesker, aren't you? AREN'T YOU"

" What's it to you"

" How could you? After all Umbrella's done..."

" See you later, Leon. "

" ADAAAAAAAAAA"

" What"

" Sorry. It's a reflex to shout your name really long and drawling when I see you. So this is it, huh? Your breaking up with me"

" We were techinally never together. "

" But you threw me a Rocket Launcher when an infected thing was about to kill me, didn't that mean anything to you"

" It did. But now I gonna go off all mysterious and save your ass whenever your in trouble. Now you just had to ask and ruin it"

The sunglasses exploded, and Ada was gone.

" ADAAAAAAAAA" shouted Leon" Damn, I gotta stop doing that. "

Leon went through the next room and thought Ada would be there. She wasn't. Am I the only one who notices that when an NPC :non-playerable character: goes through the doors 10 seconds before you, and you go in; they magically disappear?

Leon had to solve another puzzle with sniping out objects in a painting. He didn't bother to read the clues. He zoomed in on the the picture. It had : bread, fruit, chicken and wine.

He liked alchol. He liked beer. He liked wine. He also liked having werid hangover dreams and telling people about it. So he sniped out the wine. The freaky thing was when he shot it, the wine actaully broke and spilt.

The door unlocked and Leon went through. The middle of this room had a treasure chest.

" Treasure" screamed Leon, and ran towards it.

Just as he ran to the treasure chest, and cage fell from the sky and surrounded him. Along with a Garrodar and a cultist, with a crowd of cultists on the outside.

Leon gluped and mumbled" Ada, I think my ass needs saving now..."

The cultists outside of the cage, named Bob and Bill, and another 10 Random guys : I never found out their real names, shooting range gets REALLY hard:

" Hey Bill, who are you betting on" asked Bob.

" Garrodar, of course" responed Bill" No stupid American can beat him"

" I'm betting on American" said Bob" I mean, he killed the Cheese! Melted him like macroni! And cheese"

" Hello, infected people out there" said a random infected cultist" I'm cultist 599 but you may know me better as Josh, the Announcer! And this is my co-host of this heated battle, Bob"

" And we'll be reporting live, all bets are final" said Bob" I still got my money on the American"

" Oh and look! The American is running in horror! Stupid American"

" But look! He just shot Mike and kicked his head off"said Bob" Ouch, he's gonna feel that in the morning"

" Looks like the American just attacked the Garrodar with a boom-fire-shooting stick of doom"

" It's a shotgun, Josh."  
" Look! The Garrodar was about to charge but the American moved out of the way! Poor Garrodar..."

" Ha! Pay up, Josh"

" And this crowd is getting rowdy and is trying to break down the door of the cage"

" Pay UP"

" oooo...Random 1 and 2 just got killed by the American. What are you thoughts on this as he advances"

" Oh, SHI"

BOOM!

" Shutup" said Leon, and shook his head.

He countied to next corridor, killed stuff, yada yada yada.

Leon entered a balconey, and Luis raced in.

" Hey Leon" cried Luis" I got it!...uh..."

Luis had a scorpion tail blossom from his chest. Saddler entered the room, the scorpion tail was HIS. He withdrew the tail and took the sample.

" You don't need this now do you" asked Saddler, and ran off.

Leon made a move to go after Saddler, but instead stood with Luis who was lying in a pool of his own blood.

" Luis, hang in there" cried Leon.

" Who...are you kidding" wheezed Luis.

" Noone, but would you rather me say 'Luis your gonna die? '"

" No...Listen. you have to get the Plaga samples,...there maybe a cure...take this to stop the growth..."

Luis handed him a bottle of colorful pills and closed his eyes. Dead.

" Luis? LUISSSSSSSSSS"

Leon was furious. He would make Saddler pay, if it was the last thing he ever did.

" Here..." whispered Leon, and inserted the Snoopy Pez despenser in Luis's out stretched hand.

Luna: Yeah, I know, depressing. I didn't really know how to make a character death funny, and I guess you really can't. But the next Chapter is chock full of Ashely bashing and no depressing character deaths! CHapter13: Ashely's wacky Adventure!


	13. Ashely's WACKY Adventure!

Disclaimer: I don't own RE! THE END!

Luna: STUPID WORDPAD:attacks wordpad w/ a slegehammer: I realized that even though i didn't preview my work last chapter the puncation problem STILL happened! I'm sorry folks, bear with me, I guess I won't be having '!' or '?' in my sentenecs for puncation anymore...GRR! Maybe if I'm lucky the problem will fix itself...ahh I'm noever lucky...Thanks for all you people who still read and reviewed despite this STUPID PROBLEM! But I guess that basically everyone knows that when i put a sentece in all CAPS it was susposed to have a ! at the end when it says 'asked' a ? mark. Still annoying though...Okay, I'll stop ranting, heres the Chappie.

Chapter 13: Ashely's WACKY Adventure!

Leon heard Ashely screaming his name, and had a good mind to put a knife through his ears to make her shrill screeching stop. He located the source of the nosie anyway.

On the lower level, she was pinned against the wall with the metal bonds. Leon sniped out each bond with Ashely screaming in horror each time.

" Talk about near death experience" said Ashely, when she was freed.

Leon smiled his Kennedy, adorable smile of sweetness and then saw the cultists coming.

" Ashely! Get out of there" screamed Leon.

Apparently, 'get out of there' to Ashely meant to crouch with her hands over her ears in the middle ogf everything and whimper.

Leon sniped out every cultist in the name of everyone who was lost : the jacket, the Pez and Luis.

Finally, Ashely decided to run to the nearest door and attempt opening it.

" The door's locked, I can't open it" she informed Leon.

Usually you can't open doors when their locked. Duh.

Leon sniped some more cultists until he sniped out a Red one that had a key.

" I got the key! I can open it"

Yeah that's also what keys are for. Opening things.

And Ashely went through the door.

Let's check her briefcase, shall we? Let's see...no items...weaponless...great...

Ashely went further through the room and spotted a cultist. That spotted her.

" Leon, I need you..." she whimpered.

So she ran and did an amazing stunt. She crawled under a table. WOW. But it worked, cause the cultist; for some reason; can't crawl under tables. Hey! How come when your with Leon you can't crawl under tables? I guess Leon doesn't have amazing table crawling skills...

Ashely found a conviently placed latern and threw it at him. He burst into flames and turned to ash.

" Whoo-hoo" screamed Ashely" I whupped him"

She had to turn a crank to open up the gate. Through the gate was yet another cultist, along with conviently placed laterns and cranks.

" Look at me and my throwing skills" bragged Ashely" You can't beat that! Wow...I've been hanging around Leon too long..."

Ashely threw the latern, Bullseye! I never did get that phrase, bullseye. I mean, I know what it means but taken literally; is it susposed to be the bulls have good sight? NOO! I also have been hanging around Leon too long. Intellect...fading...rapidly...

Ashely turned and raise the gates by turning the cranks. AGAIN. She ransacked the place for items and got pestas, spinals and handgun bullets. Wow, bullets are really gonna help , cause SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A GUN! She ended up in a hall with 2 doors, she picked one and was in a dusty, dim chamber with switcthes and gates.

" Button..." said Ashely" Leon, why can't you be here? I don't know what to do...If I push it if may trigger a trap and kill me instantly. Or maybe I'll just stand here forever wondering about it...ARGHHH"

And with all her strength, she pressed the button. The gate raises and she goes through and presses another button to raise a gate, repeat, repeat...Finally she reaches the door to a corridor. A long dark one. Luckily, she had her trusty flashlight. Where exactly did she get that flashlight from? According to the briefcase she doesn't have anything...

Ashely came to a dead end with a sliding jigsaw puzzle.

" It'll take me forever to finish this..." she said, and looked around to see 4 knights of armor surrounding it.

" I bet my Pradas they'll come alive soon..." Ashely mumbled" But I can't give up! Leon has faith in me! He believes in me!

Mean while...

Leon paced the floors, frantic. Ashely was gonna get herself killed. How am I gonna tell the prez I failed? thought Leon, And now I won't get my new jacket...

A cultist appeared and ran at Leon. He raised his BlackTail to the cultist's kneecaps and paused. A brillant idea formed.

" Hey, you wanna make some money" asked Leon" Say yes if you value your kneecaps."

The Cultist thought for a moment then said in very clear english" Alright. How much money"

" I'll give you 10000 pestas" said Leon, figuring that was equal to about 1 American dollar.

" And what do I have to do"

" I think I got Ashely killed. And now I won't get my moeny. So...could you possibly dress up as her and I'll hand you over to the prez and he'll never know the difference. What do you say "

" Alright."

" Only problem is clothes and a wig..."

" Right here."

The cultist took out the exact duplicates of Ashely's clothes and a wig from his pocket.

" Okay...How..."

" We have practice of how to properly kidnap Ashely and, uh, one of us has to dress up as her..." answered the cultist.

"OKAY...Do the cultists play as me too"

"...yeah..."

" Damn, thats wrong. WRONG"

The cultist dressed up as Ashely and looked exactly like her. If Ashely was a pale, underfed, 30-yearold man in drag.

" Great! You look just like her" said Leon, and meant it" But what about talking"

" Like, OH MAH GAWD, Leon" squealed the cultist in a hi-pitched girly voice" I just sooooo wanna go to the mall! And I really wanna jump down a ladder and have you catch me! Like, is my hair messed up? OH MAH GWAD, IS IT LEON? I NEED SOME MOUSSE AND CONDITIONER"

" Okay, okay that's enough" said Leon" It's wonderful, just never, EVER do that again. EVER"

Luna: Hopefully the puncation showed up this time. Anyway next chapter: Ashely's Wacky Adventure part Deux!


	14. Ashely's Wack Adventure part 2

Disclaimer: I don't own RE4! Or Puff the magic dragon.

Luna: GUESS WHAT? I FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO UPLOAD FORM MIRCOSOFT WORD! I want to say to Shady 777: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TELLING ME HOW TO UPLOAD FROM MIRCOSOFT! Writing is a breeze now, thanks! Here's the chapter!

Chapter 14: Ashley's Wacky Adventure part 2

Meanwhile, while Leon was talking……

Ashley finished the puzzle, which was a big thing for her because she had the brain capacity of a sponge.

" I did it, Leon!" cried Ashley.

A treasure chest appeared with a warning. It said: Thou who takes thee treasure is royally screwed. Deciding that no one listened to cryptic warnings anymore, she opened the chest and got the family Insignia.

And just like Ashley bet her Pradas , the knights came alive; and attacked.

" Hey!" screamed Ashley, " This isn't fair! Do you know who I am? Do you know who my father is? The president! He'll get you all for this!"

" Sorry…." I said, " I actually didn't make this part up. In the game you ARE attacked by suits of armor. And your president father doesn't technically exist in my world. AND THIS IS MY FIC SO I CONTROL IT! Oh, yeah, and stop seducing Leon. I know he's hot, BUT HAVE YOU NO DIGNITY?"

" Who the hell?" asked Ashley, " What _was_ that?"

The knights, much like me; didn't care who her daddy was. They advanced, and Ashley couldn't find any conveniently placed lanterns. So she ran. She ran into the corridor, and a seemingly innocent statue attacked her, but she moved agley away. Okay, so she fell backwards. But hey, it worked.

She ran all the way back to the room with the gates. Ashley pressed a button, raised and gate and ran through. She pressed another button to lower it. The knights, incapable of using buttons, couldn't get to her. Ashely exit the room into another. This room had a lever with a an indent of a circular object on it. She placed the Family Insignia there, and went up the ladder . She took out the Leon bottle cap ,and kissed it." Thank you, Leon." she said.

Someone worships Leon….it's scary!

"Leon!" cried Ashley, finally on the balcony with him.

" Ashley!" said Leon, as he pushed the cultist in drag off the balcony.

" Who was that?" asked Ashley, curiously.

" No one! Nothing!" said Leon, nervous.

She ran to him and embraced him. Tightly. Poor Leon stared awkwardly.

" Uh, you did good…." said Leon, " Get off me…..Please?"

Ashley was too busy talking about her 'adventure' a mile a minute, "- and then, there where this creepy knights and a voice!"

Leon suddenly had an excuse for her to get off him. Salazar transmission.

" Aw, what a tender moment," said Salazar.

" And you ruined it," said Leon, " Thank you! THANKYOU! I can breathe again….."

" We'll get you my pretty, and your little brat, too!" cackled Salazar.

" Did you just hit on me? You called me pretty….."

" No! I didn't Mr. Kennedy! I must go!"

" Hey is that Luis's dead body?" asked Ashley.

" Yeah….."

" Oh. Too bad. Let's go, my Leon!"

First, they backtracked all the way to the Hedge Maze garden. There was a door there that Leon couldn't enter cause he was too short. He needed someone to piggyback on him. That person was Ashley. She was overjoyed to help, and unlocked the door. Leon got the 'Broken Butterfly' magnum.

" Powerful….." said Leon, " Only 6 shots…..I'd better save them for something special."

He did. He killed the 6 cultists he met on the way back with the magnum. Very conservative, Leon. Very.

Then, they ran all the way back to the balcony area and exited through the double doors. The area they were in now was a large room with a strange looking railcar parked there. If you could call it that. The 'railcar' had a small platform with 1 wheel on each side.

" Ashley, stay here," said Leon, as he stepped on the platform fearfully.

It began moving as he mumbled, " Happy thoughts…..happy thoughts….Quick death!"

Finally, he got to the other side. There was mechanical dragons in this area, breathing fire everywhere.

" Dragons…" said Leon, " stupid dragons. INFECTED DRAGONS!"

You might think this is just another random burst of infected drabble from Leon, but there was a reason. Let's dig deeper, shall we?

**__**

Flashback

Leon was a 10 year old kid, innocent and impressionable. He was watching his favorite show, _Puff the Magic Dragon. : _and yes, I know that show was in the 60's and Leon was a kid in the 80's, but let's pretend they showed re-runs.: He loved that show and believed Puff was real. He was dumb.

" Hey, Leon!" said his brother, Jim, " That show's dumb!"

" No its not!" said Leon, " Puff is magical."

" Puff is a cigarette! It's all metaphors for a kid getting high and having an illusion of a dragon!"

" No….he can't be a cigarette….he's magic! MAGIC, I SAY!"

Leon was lied to. The dragon was fake, it was about getting high. That's when Leon developed his 'magic' and 'conspiracy' complex. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it…..

**__**

Back to the present…..

Leon got out his sniper rifle and said, " Puff, your gonna be smoking now, when I shoot you!"

Luna: I hope you all enjoyed a chapter with actual punctuation, correct spelling and bold and italics. Because all my chapters now on will have this! YAY! Next Chapter: A toast to his stupidity……  



	15. A toast to Leon's stupidity

Disclaimer: Still don't own Re4 or anything resembling it…

Luna: …..Yes I did notice that weird '9:' but I think I know how to fix it. On reflex, I indent stuff so that's probably why. Stop indenting, stop weird symbols….OKAY! CHAPTER TIME!

Chapter 15: A toast to Leon's stupidity.

Leon sniped all the cultists and dragons out, and got a Lion Ornament for his troubles.

He returned to Ashley and they sat in another roller car thing that reminded Leon of a Roller Coaster. It reminded Ashley of the 'Tunnel Of love'. And I ask, who's head is in the gutter more?

"Roller Coaster!" screamed Leon.

They went on it, and it rolled off, leaving them in another area. That I'm too lazy to explain because I assumed you all have played the game.

" That was cheap!" cried Leon, " It was too slow! I want me money back!"

" We didn't pay anything," pointed out Ashley.

" I…knew that…"

Sure you did, Leon.

Anyway, to skip the boredom, I'll go ahead to when Leon and the whiner came to a locked door with 2 statues of a King and Queen.

" What is up with this puzzles?" asked Leon, " Does Salazar get a kick out of rigging his house with puzzles?"

**__**

Flashback!

It's the middle of the night, and Salazar had nature call. Unfortunatly, the nearest bathroom was far. Far away.

Salazar muttered swears about all the puzzles they just had to have in the castle. He had gone through the Hedge Maze, solved the wine puzzle and now ended up in the roller car. The last puzzle was the painting where he had to insert the goat, serpent and lion pieces.

" Finally…." said Salazar, "Wait…..I'm missing a piece? The Lion? All this trouble to get to the damn bathroom! No, we can't just get an alarm system like a normal infected family, now can we?…no…"

Poor little midget couldn't hold it in anymore, and screamed, " DAMN UMBRELLA AND SADDLER'S ADDICTION TO PUZZLES! ARGHH…ahhh…."

**__**

Back to the present…..

Leon read the inscription of the King and Queen statues: A toast to His/Hers majesty.

" You know what this means?" asked Leon.

" What?"

" Well, its gonna be hard, since there's barely any food around…."

"Huh?"

" We need to find bread first, sliced. Then we find a toaster. We toast the bread, by somehow finding an outlet and Presto! A toast for his and hers majesty."

" Good one, Leon," I said, " It was sort of a corny joke, but points for trying."

" I wasn't joking…." said Leon, seriously.

I sighed.

" Okay, here's the deal. You have to get 2 cups, grails. One for each. Just take the 2 an alternate routes to get them."

" But…..what does Grails have to do with toast?"

" Just do it! Have I steered you wrong yet?"

" How do you know all this?"

" Oh, the Guidebook- I mean, uh the _magical guide_, of uh, magic!"

" I see, so are you single?"

" I'm your conscience, idiot!"

"….But you have the voice of a girl…"

" So? Now it's like your hitting on YOURSELF. That's wrong…."

I couldn't possibly tell him the truth that his life was a lie and this all just a game….yet….Anyway, Leon was cute, but a bit challenged in the mental area.

" Leon, who are you talking to?" asked Ashley.

" Just the voices in my head." said Leon, with an odd sense of pride.

__

Okay, thought Ashley, _Let's weight the Pros Cons. He has ADD, random outbursts, talks to voices in his head and has the brain of a 10-year old on speed……well…we IS hot…._

Leon and Ashley went to get the Queen's Grail first.

They completed a puzzle of stepping on 4 buttons at the same time and then moved on to the next room.

__

" Time to die, Mr. Kennedy," said Salazar, our midgety bed wetter.

"Oh, come on you can do better than that!" said Leon, " It's either 'time to die' or 'you'll never survive', or 'Mr. .Kennedy'. Well guess what? It's MR. SCOTT KENNEDY TO YOU!"

What Leon didn't realize was that Salazar had already escaped while he was making his big comeback speech. And that the ceiling had spikes on it and was descending.

"NOOOOO!" screamed Ashley, having a nervous breakdown, " Leon, WHAT DO WE DO?"

"……Ada…." mumbled Leon.

" Shoot the shiny things in the ceiling!" I commanded.

Leon shot all 3 shiny things in the ceiling. It stopped descending abruptly.

" You know what this means?" asked Leon, " Victory Dance!"

He did his dance and so did Ashley. Hers was no better than his.

Ashley's dance was high kicks, doing the 'twist' and back flips. Leon changed his dance up by having a full-bodied seizure followed by doing the worm. Those who want a graphic mental image of his dancing, picture a fish out of water flopping about on dry land. Yes, that bad.

" Leon, shouldn't we go?" asked Ashley, " those spikes might fall down on us…"

Leon was waaayyy ahead of her and out the door, Ashley followed him Ashley didn't get far, because she was separated from Leon by ANOTHER GATE. Obviously the makers of RE4 must have some obsession with gates…..

" Leon!" screamed Ashley, as every window, mirror or piece of glass within a 6-mile radius shattered.

A car with 2 cultists driving it appeared, driving straight towards her.

Our army commando man sniped them out precisely, and said " COORS! They had Coors beer….."

Ashley ran and hugged our distracted Leon, who was hung up about drinking alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

" Get off…..Salazar, call me.. please…."

" WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?" blurted Ashley.

" I'm sorry, its just….oh…a penny! Weird, I thought they had no American money here….."

Ashley sighed. It was gonna be a LONG day. Or Night. Whatever.

Luna: Yeah, its kinda short but the next chapter will be much longer, its called " Leon loses Ashley. AGAIN." Thanks for the reviews guys! 92.…whoa….that's…a lot…anyway see yas!


	16. Leon loses Ashley AGAIN!

Disclaimer: I don't own Re4 or any Re's

Luna: Yes! It worked! The '9;' things were almost completely gone in the last chapter and I think I know how to fix it so it won't do it again. 103 REVIEWS? WOW:stares in shock:……:still in shock: chapter….

Chapter16: Leon loses Ashley. AGAIN!

Leon and Ashley went to go get the King's Grail. Nothing of importance happened until Leon was attacked by armor. Yes, armor. Like when Ashley was attacked by armor, except Leon couldn't run away screaming like a little girl and escape. Well, he could run around screaming like a little girl, but the doors were locked.

Leon threw Incendiary Grenades at them until they showed their Plagas. Then, he used a flash Grenade to kill them instantly.

So he and Ashley back tracked all the way to the statues. Placing the Grails in the correct places, Leon and Ashley go into the ballroom.

" Ewww!" cried Ashley, " It's a hive of bugs! Icky!"

True, the ballroom did have a large hive in the middle of it.

" Bugs aren't icky," said Leon, patiently, " I bet that their more afraid of you than you are of them. And bugs have emotions too. Calling them icky hurts their feelings, apologize."

" Leon, what ARE you on?" asked Ashley, " It's that bottle of pills Luis gave you, isn't it? Looks like ecstasy -"

" NO!" said Leon, eyes wide, " If we just walk pass them, they won't even notice."

Finally seeing that arguing with Leon was futile, she begrudgingly walked along side him.

Suddenly, a Novistador :actual name of mutant cockroaches: flew forward at an alarming speed and grabbed Ashley and flew off.

" Leon!" cried Ashley.

" Ashley!" cried Leon.

He ran forward a little. Didn't take out a Sniper Rifle. Didn't bother to shoot it. Just watched.

"Well, thanks for trying!" spat Ashley as she and the Novistador disappeared into the night.

I mean, as much as I can't stand her, she had a point. I wasn't even exaggerating on this one, he wasn't even trying.

But now Leon didn't have time to think. It's not like he thought much normally, but you get the picture….Because all the 'sensitive' bugs were attacking.

" You know my speech about bugs?" asked Leon, as he blew them away with his Striker, " It only applies to NON-INFECTED BUGS!"

Leon did some KKDS and shot them, and managed to shot down the chains holding up the drawbridge. He crossed and ended up in front of a clock tower.

He took out his binoculars and said, " My hands are HUGE!"

" A little higher….smart one, " I said, trying not to lose patience.

Leon obeyed and saw her being taken away by cultists. He received a transmission from Salazar shortly after.

" Salazar! If you touch a hair on her head, mess up her hair, abuse her in any way, shape or form-" began Leon.

" Okay! I think he gets it!" I said, to stop Leon's 5-hour long speech.

"-I'll break every bone in your 3-year old body!" finished Leon.

" Such words, Mr. Kennedy," said Salazar, " But she is fine. We're preparing a ritual to bestow her with great power when she comes to our side."

" When I find you!"

" Oh sorry, have to go. Toodles!"

" Ashley…" he mumbled, " I hope your okay…."

**__**

Meanwhile….

Ashley was in a dimly lit but well furnished room, with 2 creepy cloaked guards and a assortment of cultists. She was waiting for her knight in shiny armor :Leon, although its more like knight with ADD- victory dance spaz attacks with shiny armor.

"Hi," said Ashley, to a cloaked figure.

He didn't reply.

" Hey, you have an awfully pale complexion," said Ashley, to a cultist.

" Me?" he asked, in English, " Your talking to m-me? I'm Simon."

" Simon, huh?" asked Ashley, " Do you ever think about using cover-up to restore the color in your dead cheeks?"

"Simon….." growled one cultist, " Get back to work."

" In a sec," replied Simon, " You really wanna put cover-up on me?"

"Sure!"

Ashley got out her handy, dandy, super makeup kit. Where did she get it, you ask? Same place where she got that flashlight. I really don't know. First she applied cover-up, then red lipstick , mascara, blush and purple eyeliner. You see, Simon here was desperate for attention and didn't realize that all the other stuff wasn't cover up. Or maybe he was just dumb.

" AHHHHH!" screamed Simon, looking in a mirror, " MY FACE! ….is pretty….I mean, AHHHHH!"

Laughter erupted from his fellow cultists and the cloaked dude took her makeup bag and stomped on it. Sadlt, the Leon bottle cap was in there.

" Don't worry Ashley!" cried Leon bottle cap, " I-I'm…coming…..for….you….."

"No….Leon…"said Ashley, and began to cry, "MY bottle cap of Leon worship! My 100 cosmetics!"

"No more makeup!" said a random cultist.

He took a bite out of the lipstick and said, " Minty!"

Ashley just stared.

Luna: Yay! I'm done here, be sure to come back for Chapter 17: Creepy, Slimy, Traitors Pit!


	17. Creepy Slimy Traitor's pit!

Disclaimer: No! I don't own RE4 , The Addams Family or Batman or Alien.

Luna: Yes! It worked! No more freaky symbols plaguing my chapters! So here's the bug free chapter….

Chapter 17: Creepy, Slimy, Traitors Pit!

Leon was exhausted. He had just killed 2 Garrodars, a seemingly endless supply of cultists and he wasn't even sure where he was going.

"Conscience?" asked Leon.

" I'm here, what do you want?" I responded.

"Can you send me some Pez? I'm wounded….." said Leon.

" Mix and eat some herbs, Pez isn't going to help…..stupid."

"I did, but it tastes minty….and I like lemon.. I HAVE TO SAVE ASHLEY!"

Finally he entered the room that Ashley was in.

" Ashley!" cried Leon.

" Leon!" she shouted.

"Mr. Kennedy!" said Salazar, on the throne, " So glad you could make it!"

" Yeah, me too," said Leon, " Come on Ashley, we have to go."

" Uh, kinda can't…." answered Ashley, pointing to the cloaked dudes guarding her.

" Well, then, WHAT THE?" he shouted, in horror.

Leon spotted the sad individual known as Simon.

"I got bored…." said Ashley, sheepishly.

" Mr. Kennedy!" said Salazar, a little louder.

"Hang on Salazar," said Leon, " I feel bad for you. I had 2 Garrodars and endless cultists to keep me busy! Is that…..MY BOTTLECAP? Of me?"  
" I can explain!" said Ashley.

" Mr. KENNEDY!" screamed Salazar.

" Hold your horses!" said Leon, then said to Ashley, " It's broken….Why did you have it in the first place?"

"MR. KEN-NEDY!" screeched Salazar, annoyed.

"What?" asked Leon.

" How am I supposed to be a big villain with entrance lines and comebacks if you keep getting distracted?" he asked.

" Oh excuse me," said Leon, " I'm sorry if I damaged your fragile ego. Oh, Salazar, your such an evil, diabolical 3-year old midget. Better?"

Salazar was outraged. Believe it or not, Leon wasn't trying to insult him.

" I give up!" screamed Salazar, " I just! DIE!"

" That's not very originall!" cried Leon.

The reason why his last words were so drawled out and loud; much like when he screamed 'ADAAA!' was because Salazar pulled a lever. A lever that activated a trap that opened up the floor beneath Leon. He fell, but luckily had a Batman gadget, the grappling hook. This saved him from falling on the spikes.

"And this is the Executioner on channel 55.2 with the sounds of Leon Kennedy's impalement!"

There was no screaming in agony as expected. Instead the sounds were of a gunshot and Leon screaming, "Booya! And we'll talk about this later, Ashley…."

" Leon, your alive?" asked Ashley.

No really, Sherlock.

**__**

In the traitors pit…..

Leon was confronted by large pointy spikes and dead cultists, impaled on them.

"Ouchies….." he mumbled, and kept going until he saw the merchant.

"Whoa, you guys really go out on a limb for customers." said Leon.

"What'll it be, stranger?" he replied.

" The usual. Oh and a Rocket Launcher!"

"For that special someone?"

" Nah, just saving it for a rainy day."

Leon happily took his very best friend, the Rocket Launcher. And yet another transmission from Salazar…

" Your days are numbered, Mr. Scott Kennedy," sneered Salazar, " I've sent my right hand to kill you."

" It comes off?" asked Leon, " Like in the Addams Family? Cousin It! Wait, no….that was the hairy guy….one was a hand. Did it even have a name?"

" Why do I bother?" asked Salazar.

"Thing! That was it's name!" declared Leon.

"….I hope Verdugo bites your head off…." muttered Salazar, and the transmission was over.

Leon countuied down the dimly lit corridor until he got to a room with a control panel to operate the elevator. Just as the 'thing' was about to attack him, Leon narrowly dodged it.

Leon's attacker was Verdugo, Salazar's right hand body guard. Verdugo was an 8ft tall bug-like creature.

"Eww…." said Leon, looking at Verdugo, " You look like that slimy alien from the _Alien_ movies ….are you gonna have a face hugger lay eggs in my chest? Ewwww…."

" Leon!" I shouted, " Stop talking! Start shooting! Use the conviently placed Nitrogen freezer tank thing and freeze it! Then use the Rocket Launcher!"

Leon kicked over the tank and froze Verdugo. He used his Rocket Launcher and shot him into a million, ice shards of bug.

"Whoop!" said Leon, " Hey! I can't reload the Rocket Launcher? Only 1 shot? Damn, that's cheap! 300,000 pestas down the drain….."

But if he had done it the normal way….it would've took forever….and ever…

Leon went up the elevator and through the mine. At the mine site he spotted a lot of villagers. A lot.

"Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust," whispered Leon, taking out his sniper rifle.

"Hey, that entrance line was pretty cool!" I said, " Less cheesy."

"Really?" asked Leon, way too loud.

And that response attracted the attention of all the villagers….

Luna: Okay! Next Chapter: Where's the dog w/ a Rocket Launcher when you need him?


	18. Where's the dog w the Rocket Launcher wh...

Disclaimer: hmm…..18 chapters later do U think anything has changed? Cause I still don't own RE anything! I also don't own that band from Kill Bill or own Kill Bill, therefore I don't own the "Woo-hoo" song.

Luna: HIII! Remember in my earlier chapters the villager that sold Leon's jacket? His name is Random and is appearing in this chapter today! There's not much to say here except thanks for the reviews! And enjoy!

Chapter 18: Where's the dog with a Rocket Launcher when you need him?

Leon had just killed 12 villagers and 1 chainsaw guy. He was now in a large room with no enemies.

"Easy as pie!" declares Leon.

Just then, 2 Giants ran out at Leon.

" Where's the dog with the Rocket Launcher when you need him?" asked Leon, as he ran.

**__**

Meanwhile on a luxury cruise….

Random, the villager Gando had escaped the village with Rover, the Rocket Launcher dog. He was fulfilling his dream of going on a cruise.

"This is the life…" said Random, currently chugging down a Corona.**__**

"…..Indeed." said Rover, taking a tan.

For some reason, Hunnigan was on the cruise and spotted Random.

"You! Your infected!" cried Hunnigan, " My good God! Leon had corrupted my mind!"  
"You?" asked Random, " Aren't you supposed to be helping the American?"

Except everything he said came out in rapid Spanish.

Hunnigan kicked poor Random and shouted, " That was an HKD!"

"H…KD?" asked Rover, " Look lady, we don't want any trouble…."

" Hunnigan Kick of Doom!" she cried, and kicked him again.

"Get away from him, woman!" cried Rover.

"Unlike Leon, I come prepared for infected villagers and talking dogs!" said Hunnigan, and pulled out a Rocket Launcher.

Unlike Leon, she never aimed it before. And she aimed down.

****

BOOM!

And the ship sunk….tsk-tsk. I give you this question, dear readers, is ANYONE sane in this fic?

**__**

Back to Leon and the Giants….

Leon climbed on the ladder on the far side of the room and stood on the platform. There was a pulley, and he grabbed it and swung across the room to a lever.

He heard them stomping his way, and pulled down the lever.

The lever activated a trap door that one dumb giant fell into. The trap was chock-full of magma, and let's just say he's a crispy giant. Very crispy.

"Ha!" shouted Leon, " I don't need no Rocket Launcher dogs! I have the trap door!"

He tried to use it again, but it was in 'lock down'.

"Bah!" said Leon.

He was forced to fight the leather clad giant manually, and it was long. And annoying. Equipping the Striker, he shot it until the Plaga emerged. Leon did some snazzy knife moves, and repeated the process 3 times until it croaked.

Then Leon fought Novisadors, solved a puzzle, out witted crushing blocks that wanted to well…..crush him, etc, etc.

Finally, he was put of the underground and on the surface. One of the many merchants was there and had a letter to deliver to him from Ada. It said:

__

Hey handsome,

The infection is spreading, the Plaga is growing. You have to get it out. But the girl has been infected longer and will turn quicker. One bullet through the head will cure this, and I'm saying this because I'm afraid she'll hurt you, not because I'm jealous….no…

Hugs, kisses and shotgun shells,

Ada Wong

"Hey!" said Leon, " I think I found out something about Ada's character!"

"That she's easily jealous and deceitful, stranger?" asked the merchant.

"No. That her last name is Wong, and it reminds me of Wong-Tong soup!" said Leon," I'm hungry…Wong-Tong soup…..yummy…"

"Stranger!" screamed the merchant.

"Leon!" I shouted, " Was that a double meaning?"

"…huh?"

"….Anyway I got mighty fine goods on sale, stranger," said the merchant.

Leon upgraded his weapons and moved on to see 10 plus villagers gathered around a bonfire. He sniped them all out and went down a ladder, happily. He mowed through the sea of villagers and chainsaw guys for a mine key. He used the mine key to operate the rail car.

"Woo-hoo, Woo-hoo, woo hoo-hoo woo- hoo woo hoo," sang Leon, bored.

"Woo-hoo- WHAT?" shouted Leon.

The villagers jumped on and attacked dear old Leon. Leon had his Striker and BlackTail and squeezed the triggers of both, but not at the same time.

Then, a chainsaw guy boarded the train from hell.

"…..Can I ever have a break?" asked Leon.

" Sorry, you have much more stupidity and horrors to endure," I said.

**__**

30 villagers, 4 chainsaw guys and several clips of ammo later…

Leon had managed to finally get to a place where there was a tall statue of Salazar, at least 12 ft tall. Once again, Napoleon complex to it's fullest. Height issues.

"Now all I have to do is stroll across that path to the door, because that Salazar statue won't come alive, that's too obvious." stated Leon, the eternally oblivious.

He started to sprint across just as the statue came alive, to chase him. Leon dodged pillars and finally got to the door. He shot the lock off. Gee, Leon, would it of killed you to do that in Raccoon City? I guess you need special military training to shot locks off doors…..

He ran through the door and mumbled, "Jacket, the things I do for you…"

Luna: Done! Next Chapter: Leon v.s Midget w/ Napoleon complex 


	19. Leon vs midget w Naplaoen complex

Disclaimer: No! NOOO! I don't own RE4 or anything related to any Re's! Okay? I also don't own Chia Pets. Or Wizard of OZ. Or Captain Crunch.

Luna: Weird…. Half of my last chapter came out in bold for no reason….well at least its not as bad as the symbols…Anyway here's the chapter, chock full of Salazar bashing…..aww this is the last chapter I'll be bashing him…but then there's still Leon…:grins evilly:

Chapter 19: Leon v.s Midget with Napoleon Complex

Leon was finally in a room cornering Salazar.

"Ah, Mr. Kennedy," said Salazar, " WHY WON'T YOU DIE, DAMMINT?"

" I'm sick of this," said Leon, " I'm taking Ashley back whether you like it or not."

Salazar got angry. Leon got pissed, which turned him into a bad ass. A bad ass that threw his Bowie knife through Salazar's hand and pinned it against the wall.

Leon gave him a cocky smirk. But if he was a real bad ass, he would've whipped out a gun and shot him. Alas, Leon can never make things easier for himself. Salazar began crying.

"Mr. Kennedy gave me a boo-boo!" whined Salazar.

The cloaked figure pulled the knife out of Salazar's hand and threw it directly at Leon. He dodged it.

"My boo-boo!" he cried, tears streaming.

Leon was about to KKD his tiny ass to the moon, but Salazar and the cloaked figure ran. And separated themselves from him with a gate. What, is this the 10th time this game used gates to separate people?

Then he was swarmed with cultists and Leon got out of bad ass mode and into panic mode.

He ran upstairs and noticed a lever. Leon pulled it, and barrels dropped down . The barrels rolled down the stairs, toppling the cultists coming up.

"Oh yeah!" stated Leon, " Now I am Leon Scott Kennedy, Lord of the Barrels!"

Or lord of the idiots, pick one.

After every cultist had been killed from the horror and raw power of the barrels, Leon continued his stalking of Salazar. He ran outside of the rooms and entered the double doors. And confronted Salazar.

"Just tell me where she is!" said Leon, annoyed.

"She's somewhere…." said Salazar.

"Over the rainbow?"

"No! She's on an island where Ganados can actually use guns," he answered.

Leon just noticed that a huge plant thing was behind Salazar, and it had a freaky head thing with one, bulbous, red eye. The plant thing ate Salazar and the cloaked guy, and formed into a creepy midget hybrid.

"Heh. Monsters." said Leon, " Just have to kill you and they'll be one less. Note to self, have to think up more macho lines…."

" Looks more like a Chia Pet on steroids…." I said, "Listen carefully Leon…"

"Damn, that's one ugly thing…"

" I said LISTEN! There's an easy way to kill this thing. And for you folks at home who had trouble beating Salazar, turn up the volume and listen too. Shoot one tentacle until it disappears and stick to that side of the room. Then you can shoot the creepy eye on the head until Salazar appears. Also, the head can't chomp on you from here cause it can't reach, got it?"

"….it's so ugly…."

Leon did as he was told, and Salazar emerged, glowing and pasty white. He sniped him out. Twice. Three times. Four. Five……Twenty. ARGHHH! Anyway, he killed Salazar! Hip-hip, Hooray!

"Ha! Take that!" said Leon.

He dropped down into the pit and collected items and exited.

"Ada….." he said, "Where are you?"

__

Meanwhile….

Ada was tearing up pictures of Leon. She was waiting in a boat for him, and was pissed. She tore up the picture of him getting coffee, Leon eating Captain Crunch, Leon in a swimming pool, and Leon doing his victory jig.

Ada wasn't an obsessed stalker…..no…never….

__

I can't believe him! thought Ada,_ picking that brat instead of me! Cheating on me! How dare he!_

Then she got a brilliant idea.

__

If I pretend to care about Ashley and help save her, he'll love me more! Mwhahahah!

Back to Leon….

Leon made his way to the dock and there was a boat with Ada in it.

"Hey, handsome, need a ride?" asked Ada.

"You lied!" he replied.

"Lied…?"

"You said you'd save my ass but you never did!"

"I meant at the island. Come on, I'll drive."  
"Oh….okay then."

Leon got in, and Ada started driving REALLY fast.

The whole time, Leon was staring at her like a retard. He didn't ask her how she was still alive, why she was here or anything. Ada noticed this and swerved the boat to the left, Leon toppling on her.

"Where did you get a license?" asked Leon.

"Same place as you."

" I never got a license."

" Exactly."

She parked the boat……wait, is it possible to park a boat? Okay, she stopped the boat. There!

"Later, handsome," said Ada.

"ADAAAA!" screamed Leon.

"Yes?"

" I told you, it's a reflex, I can't control it!"

Ada used a grappling hook and began to scale up the cliff.

"ADAAAA!" he screamed.

"LEONNNN!"

"_ADAAAAAA!"_

"LEONNNN!"  
"Ada…..I can't….breathe….owies…"

"Leon, as much as I enjoy screaming your name, I have mysterious Umbrella agent stuff to do." she said, and disappeared.

"Why must you confuse me, woman?" asked Leon, and then got a transmission from Saddler.

"Salazar's dead, Saddler," said Leon, " I whupped him from here to Timba 2!"

"What…?" asked Saddler, " Now you think your big because you killed my small time subordinate? Get it, small time? He was short……tough crowd…"

"You're small time, Saddler," said Leon.

"Ow, that stung." said Saddler, and laughed evilly.

Saddler hung up, or ended the transmission, and Leon was alone again.

Luna: Okay! Next chapter: They use GUNS now?


	20. They use GUNS now?

Disclaimer: I don't own Re4, Charlie Brown, Silent Hill, or Pradas, this goes for EVERY chapter! or anything.

Luna: I'm back! Here's chapter 20!

Chapter 20: They use GUNS now?

Leon ran in the tunnels on the island when Bongo music started to play. Bongo drums? What happened to the Silent Hill rip-off battle music?

These military guys had electric rod things, bow and arrows, and maces. Leon shot them all with ease.

"Guns? Ha!" he said, " Salazar, you liar, they can't use guns!"  
Just then, a Ganado wielding a huge Gattling Gun came out of nowhere. Ah, irony.

"They use GUNS now?" asked Leon, in horror.

Leon began to wonder why he took this job in the first place.

**__**

Flashback!

" Okay, Secret Service men!" said the president.

"Um, its Secret Service individuals, to be politically correct," whispered a random Agent.

" Secret Service individuals, then!" said the prez, in a huff, " Who wants to volunteer for a suicide mission to save my slutty daughter who is probably infected from infected people who have kidnapped her? Step forward."

Everyone took a step back except Leon who said, " Look! A vintage Charlie Brown Pez dispenser!"

He bent down to pick it up as everyone was behind him.

" Ah, Mr. Lionel Sennedy," said the prez.

" Ew! What is up with this grape pez!" asked Leon.

" Oh…." said the prez, as an agent whispered something in his ear, " It's Leon Kennedy. Congratulations! You just volunteered!"

"I did?"

" Yes!"

"But if Ashley's so important, why am I the only one going after her?"

" Well, quite frankly I hate her and her Pradas! All she does is give me a dent in my wallet with her need to buy Pradas- I mean, we have confidence in your skills and abilities! Heh, that's it…."

" Oh….But I don't wanna go!"

"But you get this niffy jacket!"

"Jacket!" squealed Leon, hugging it happily. And it was love at first sight.

**__**

Back to the present…..

Poor Leon was conned into the whole thing, and where exactly did that Charlie Brown Pez dispenser come from? Well, I could tell you, but I need something to fill up my other chapters.

Leon sniped the Ganado with the Gattling gun. 15 times. And got a bunch of Pestas for his trouble.

"Whoop-Whoop!" shouted Leon, and did his dance as the remaining Ganados fled in horror.

Suddenly, Leon spotted Ashley being dragged off and screaming, " HELP LEON! HELPPPPP!"

"My ears!" screamed Leon, and became momentarily deaf, preventing him from sniping the Ganado carrying her off.

Leon ran to the doors just as they locked, and had to complete a light show puzzle until the doors opened.

Now I will skip ahead. Far ahead. All the way to when Leon meets his first Regenerator.

Leon was in the autopsy room where he found a letter from Luis:

__

To whom this concerns:

This is my 5th letter that I have been writing and leaving around the place cause its fun! Like searching for them Easter eggs at Easter time. Anyway, there was some freaky experiments going on here with Plagas and stuff. There's this one dude called the Regenerator that regenerates lose limbs when you shoot it. But I'll let you in on a little secret. You can kill them by shooting the plaga on their bodies, although its invisible. If you get a infrared sniper scope, maybe…..but what are the odds of you finding that?

Sincerely,

Luis, the man who ISN'T betraying Saddler!

"Conscience," said Leon, " Luis wasn't too sharp, he left random notes around telling people about Plaga and their whole evil plan. How wouldn't Saddler know he was betraying him?"

" Whoa!" I said, " That's actually a very smart observation. The last stroke of brilliance I saw you have was in chapter 4...or was it 5?"

Suddenly, the automatic doors opened. A sniffling, sneezing sound is heard.

"Hello?" asked Leon, " Who's there? And whoever you are, you got some nasty cold….."

A gray, humanoid, genderless figure appeared and advanced towards Leon.

He shot its head off. True to its name, the Regenerator regenerated.

"What the hell? Conscience, you saw that?" asked Leon, in horror and awe, " His head just….regenerated!"

" No really!" I said, rolling my eyes, " Leon, what the hell are you doing? You can't kill it, you know that! You need the infrared scope to shoot the Plaga. Get out of there!"

" I do know that?"

"Just run! Stupid…."

Leon ran past the Regenerator, narrowly getting his head chomped off, and hi-tailed it out of there. Leon kept running until he found the scope which he equipped to the rifle. He was greeted by another Regenerator with very bad allergies.

"Now….aim and shoot the red things! Yay! You win!" I cried.

Leon did as commanded and the Regenerator exploded into a mess of blood and guts.

"Ewww…." said Leon.

" For once I agree," I said, equally grossed out.

Luna: Next Chapter: Iron Maidens! Eek!


	21. Iron Maidens, Eek!

Disclaimer: I don't own Re4. I also don't own "The Bum Bum Song" from the Tom Green Show. Or for that matter, Tom Green or his show. The song is his, not mine, I'm just twisting it around to degrade Leon some more.

Luna: 130 REVIEWS? Wow! I never EVER thought I'd get this many reviews! I just want to say to all my fans, THANK YOU! Thanks for reading and reviewing! Anyway, I got this idea by watching too many 'Tom Green' shows and the song got stuck in my head. :it's a show from the late 90's, but Mtv2 shows reruns: Brace your selves for stupidity, for this is chapter 21.…

Chapter 21: Iron Maidens? Eek!

Leon reached where Ashley was being held, finally. How did he know she was there? Hm, I guess the tell tale sign was that she was shrieking, " LEON, HELP!" every 5 seconds; gave it away. No, make that every nanosecond.

"Ashley, SHUTUP!" I screamed.

" Hey, it's the creepy voice that dissed me in the castle!" said Ashley.

" No! It's my magical conscience!" declared Leon.

"Yeah….that…just shut up…" I muttered.

" Guess what conscience?" asked Leon.

"Hm?"

" I'm bored, so I'm gonna sing, " The Infected Bum Bum song!"

Before I could find something to clog my ears, head for the hills or will myself to die, he sang:

__

My bum is on Ashley's cell door,

My bum is on Ashley's cell door,

My oh, my, my bum is everywhere!

Ashley stared. Yes, she is quite the perv. But it got her to shut up. Unfortunately for me, Leon didn't.

He ran out the door.

__

My bum is on the Regenerator,

My bum is on the Regenerator,

I hope he doesn't infect my bum!

The Regenerator just sort of stared in horror, and then said in a very calm and nasally voice, " Sorry. I don't go that way."

Leon ran into the other room and sang:

__

My bum is on the control panel,

My bum is on the control panel,

Look at me! Its magic!

An iron maiden entered, it looked exactly like a regenerator except with spikes on its body.

" Leon, I swear, if you do what I think your gonna do…." I said,

Leon just sang:

__

Its fun to put my bum on things!

Fun for everyone!

He got out of singing mode and noticed the Iron Maiden.

His exact words: Eek!

Leon defeated the iron maiden and got Ashley's card key.

" I did it!" said Leon, and sang:

__

My bum is all alone….

My bum is all alone!

My bum is all alone!

My bum is all alone….the cell door is alone..

The regenerator is all alone..

The control panel, is all alone….

"Please tell me you'll shut up now," I said, " Before I stuff my cat in my ears to stop the sounds!"

Leon wasn't listening. He ran back to Ashley's cell and unlocked it with the card key.

" Leon!" screamed Ashley, and tackled him into a bear hug.

" Nice to see you, too…." said Leon, and then whispered to me, " Conscience, a little help here?"

I didn't answer. I was too busy being scarred for life from Leon's song and dance routine...horrors..

**__**

Mean while…..

Saddler was watching the security cameras in disgust. He never expected Leon to get this far. In fact, based on his records, Leon was destined to fail.

Saddler fingered through the TOP SECRET files of the CIA of their analysis on Leon.

It said:

__

Expert marksman, enjoys jumping off ladders. Flaws are: enjoys using his name in the 3rd person; such as saying, 'the Kennedy Kick of Doom'. Has ADD, talks frequently of magic and conspiracies. Enjoys eating Pez.

That was Saddler's plan, to plant the Pez dispenser so he'd 'volunteer' for the mission.

No matter, Leon would pay, sooner or later….

**__**

Back to our hero in an awkward position….

A paper airplane was thrown through the window, giving Leon an excuse to break away from the awkward position. It said:

__

Handsome,

If you haven't guessed it, you can escape by going down the garbage disposal thing.

p.s if she's hugging you, I swear I'll break her pretty little neck- I mean, good luck!

Love me, not Ashley, ME!

Ada Wong.

Leon and Ashley finally got to the garbage disposal area, and Leon was looking down.

"Come on," said Leon.

"No way!" said Ashley, " And let my Pradas and 400 dollar sweater set get ruined? No! Way!"

"Way," said Leon, and grabbed her wrist, jumping down.

Leon landed gracefully on his feet, Ashley on her ass.

"Leon, are you CRAZY?"

" No! I'm special!"

Uh-huh, very special.

After shooting, cowering, collecting and running; they ended up doing the unthinkable.

Leon and Ashley open the door at the same time with their door opening skills. WOW!

Leon, now decked out in his Survival Vest, went through the door.

To see a bulldozer.

Luna: That's it for now. Next Chapter: BULLDOZER! _ ****_


	22. BULLDOZER!

Disclaimer: No….Re4 I don't own it…. I also don't own Captain Crunch.

Luna: This chapter is EXTRA special! Wanna know why? It's been co-written by my friend Spiderman:her name's Kat in this fic:. Kat has a bit of a potty mouth, so whenever she curses, I'll put in : and a less offensive word in it. Also, picture that the less offense word is said in a badly dubbed British accent. Here it is…

Chapter 22: BULLDOZER!

" Look, it's a bulldozer!" said Leon, pointing out the obvious.

Ashley, much to Leon's fear and dismay, hopped into the drivers seat and proceeded to closely examine the levers and buttons.

" Convenient….she can't shoot a gun, but she can operate heavy machinery…." Kat's voice chuckled.

"Ahh, what the hell?" asked Leon, " Now there are 2 scary voices!"

"Umm….magical, yep, that I am," said Kat, nervously.

"Magic? Conscience, what's going on?" asked Leon, confused; as usual.

"She's…..your heart!" I cried, " I'm your conscience and she's your heart! The Good Witch of Heart!"

Wow, I was really good at lying. I should become a lawyer.

" Great…..I'm a friggin walking cliché," scoffed Kat, rolling her eyes.

" Oh. Cool!" yelled Leon, giddy.

"Do you even know what a cliché is?" I asked.

" It's….uh, infected?" asked Leon, dumbly.

" Are you talking to the voice again?" asked Ashley.

" Yeah… but now there's more than 1!" he yelled.

The huge piece of machinery groaned, and with a loud creak; it began to move. And thus, behold the Ganodos! The rabid idiotic villagers! Or military people, same difference.

" Behind you, moron!" yelled Kat.

Leon turned, with his finger upon the shotgun; shooting the approaching villagers off the gigantic bulldozer.

The bulldozer kept going, riding on its breaks. Leon had trouble keeping his balance on the bulldozer and felt his breakfast of Captain Crunch coming up on him.

The scaryass Ganodo thingys continued to bother Leon. Shot after shot was fired, until he was out of ammo. In desperation, he chucked the shotgun at Ganado and he fell, dead. The problem was he now had no weapon equipped and just wasted his Striker. And just when he picked up some shotgun ammo….

"Idiot!" yelled Kat, as he KKD'd one of the Ganado's off the bulldozer.

" I'm trying here!" whined Leon.

" Stupid, use your Sniper Rifle, or Black tail," I said, " Geez….you really ARE clueless…."

Leon took out his BlackTail and used his KKD's and busted some caps in the Ganado's asses.

Ashley stopped short, and Leon lunged forward and fell. Smooth…

" Leon, I'm counting on you to flip those switches!" said Ashley, " I'll keep the motor running."

" Why? So you can get killed?" asked Leon, " Look! Ganados! Must….shoot…."

And Leon took after them, going up the ladder to flip the switches.

He busted some caps in more of the Ganado's asses, and ran. He broke open the crates with his shiny knife and stared at the switch.

" Press the f: switch, you moron! Ugh, stupid…." Kat yelled.

" Flip….Flip the switch. Come on, you can do it!" I encouraged.

Leon blinked at looked at the switch for 5 minutes.

Leon kicked it. It flipped. Kat rolled her eyes.

" Good enough…." said Kat.

" Good boy! I'll give you a biscuit later! Or Pez….a biscuit of Pez!" I said, " Now the 2nd switch…."

Just then, Ashley started screaming, " Help! Leon, Help!"

Leon, on instinct, looked down. There wasn't any Ganados or anything down there.

" Ashley, what's wrong?" asked Leon.

" My nail! I broke it…." she said, tearfully.

" Stupid b: female dog:" muttered Kat.

" Huh?" whined Ashley.

" Keep driving….sh: poo-poo: get in the car!" yelled Kat.

" It's a bulldozer…" I said.

" Whatever!" she replied.

Leon, daringly, jumped into the back of the Bulldozer, and it began to move. Leon stumbled back and fell on his ass, as the bulldozer kept moving. A Ganado came after him, but he got a taste of the KKD.

" BULLDOZER!" Kat and I screamed in unison.

Leon hopped on the bulldozer as graceful as a swan with a broken neck.

" Leon! Look! A truck coming at us at full speed!" cried Ashley.

She stopped the bulldozer completely.

" My life just flashed before my eyes!" screamed Leon, " Wow, that was fast and boring."

" I just thought of my last words!" said Ashley, " I LOVE YOU, LEON! MARRY ME!"

" Shoot the truck already!" I hollered.

Leon blinked. ADD has taken its destructive toll…..

" Shoot the f: freaky: truck!" yelled Kat, even louder, " Come on, DO ITT!"

" Um….. Oh yeah!" he said.

Leon pulled out his Rocket Launcher that he kept incase of emergencies, and fired. The truck exploded into bits, and the Bulldozer veered off course; hitting the wall with a CRASH.

" M-marry you?" stuttered Leon.

" Not the time for committal issues, jack: behind!" Kat growled.

Ashley hopped out the truck, Leon's mind only registering now what happened.

They went through the room with the merchant to another one.

Saddler was there and said, "Come Ashley…."

" Never!" hollered Leon, and ran for attack.

Saddler extended his hand, and Leon was thrown back. He made some groans like he was constipated, in immense pain.

" Ashley…." said Saddler.

She began to whimper, and Leon yelled, " No! Don't!"

Too late. Her eyes turned red and she began to walk towards Saddler. But then she ran back to Leon, and kicked him in the crotch.

" Hey! I didn't command you to do that!" said Saddler.

" I know. It's just me saying thanks Leon, for letting me get kidnapped and not attempting to help. AGAIN." said Ashley.

She ran back to Saddler, Leon on the floor in pain.

" Hey, Saddler!" Kat yelled, as the madman turned.

" Who was that?" asked Saddler, annoyed.

" Me, ya stupid: behind: Just wanted to say, you suck at this….and I am SO much more sadistic than you!" giggled Kat.

" You know," I said, to Leon only, " While she's distracting Saddler, you can shoot him anytime you feel like it….just a hint…."

Leon made a groan, and stared off into space.

" Well, you could always throw a Secret Agent man tracking device on her…" I said, " that he may or may not see and force you to fight this creepy U3 thingy that…is VERY creepy!"

Leon threw it, and it landed in Ashley's hair. And he was still a heap on the floor.

" Nu-uh!" countered Saddler, much like a valley girl.

" Yu-uh, ya crazy f: duck: I win, you lose, you suck I don't! HAHAHAAH!" sang Kat, still laughing.

" Can I interrupt this cross fire for 1 second?" I asked, " before you scare off the remaining fans? Can we move on now?"  
" Nu-uh!" screamed Saddler, " I'm a evil master mind that can accessorize my shoes and cloak!"

What matching shoes and clothing has to do with being evil, I'll never know.

" Ha!" screamed Kat, " What, are they shoes from Payless? And what's that stain on your cloak? Vomit or Urine?"

" N-neither!"

Meanwhile, Leon is huddled in the corner, still clutching his manly damaged goods.

" That is NOT Chanel, nor Gucci, nor Armani, therefore you are pitiful!" Kat yelled, mocking him.

" I'm gonna pretend I knew what you just said," I said.

" B-but….uh…." tried Saddler.

" Shut up! I own you now, man-b: female dog!" yelled Kat, laughing again.

And Saddler looks like…he's crying? Ugh, that's beyond pathetic.

" Ohh, go hide in the hole you crawled out of, man:female dog!" grinned Kat, taking character abuse to a whole new level.

Saddler ran off with Ashley, near tears.

" Leon, you lost her again, congrats," I said, dryly.

" Ouch…" he said, trying to stand up, sorely.

Luna: this has got to be the longest chapter I ever wrote, and with the most character/author interactions. Hope you liked it! Next chapter: Laser Beam Fun!


	23. Fun with Laser Beams!

Disclaimer: I don't own RE4, the Matrix, Corona, Wall mart, The movie Mission Impossible or Visa.

Luna: Yes, I admit that my last chapter did in fact suck. I went too overboard with the comments and crossed the fine line between being witty and being stupid. I just wanna thank the reviewers who pointed this out, I appreciate that you told me my errors in a nice way. After reading the suggestions, I will have little to no character/author interaction, maybe once or twice during a chapter. Okay, read on….

Chapter 23: Fun with Laser Beams.

Leon moved forward to an empty looking dark place. He heard something behind him, and unsheathed his knife.

Of course, Leon takes out his knife; what sense would it made if he took out a gun?

A large, freaky blonde man jumps down on Leon; knife aimed at his throat.

Leon blocked it, expertly.

Wow, I guess when you become a government agent you learn to shoot locks off doors and knife fight…..

"Krauser!" declared Leon, as he and Krauser created space between themselves.

"Leon!" said Krauser.

" They said you died in a helicopter accident," said Leon, tone serious, " I saw you die."

" And you believed it!" he answered, " you were never too bright, Leon."

" What is up with all these dead people coming back to life? First Ada, now you?" said Leon.

Krauser sped towards Leon with his knife and Leon rolled out of the way.

**__**

Flashback!

Leon was younger and no smarter he is now. He was on his first mission. A very important mission. If he failed…..it'll all be over.

His partner was Jack Krauser, equal in skill and lack in any apparent intellect. Okay, so he was a little smarter than Leon, who isn't?

Their mission: retract the Corona from the store successfully.

And Leon and Krauser was dropped in by a helicopter, sent by the prez himself.

" This is our first mission! I'm so excited!" piped up Leon.

" Leon, this isn't a mission much more than it is an errand." said Krauser.

Leon wasn't listening. Does he ever listen? He was too busy running around the aisles of Wallmart humming the _Mission Impossible _theme song.

Leon pressed his back up against a shelf and whispered, " The counter intelligence is after us!"

" Sure Leon," answered Krauser, silently his existence, " Let's just get the Coronas for the president's annual 'Get piss drunk until you can't see straight party' and go."

" It's not just about getting alcohol for immature 40-year old men with mid-life crisis' and confusing standpoints on political issues," protested Leon, " It's about truth, justice, and the American way!"

" Uh-huh, I got the Corona, now we just have to pay-" said Krauser.

" Now it's time to pay for it!" screamed Leon, hyper and jovial.

Krauser handed over the Coronas, make that 3 24 packs of Coronas.

" That'll be 53.25 dollars, please." said the cashier.

Krauser reached into his pocket for his wallet while Leon announced, " Hot, change counting action!"  
He pulled out the Visa check card. Don't leave home without it.

" A magical piece of plastic able to buy anything!" said Leon, " Shiny!"

Krauser sighed, and Leon followed him to the exit.

The helicopter almost landed on Krauser, but he dodged it in the nick of time.

" Krauser! Krauser?" cried Leon, rushing to his fallen comrade's side, " Oh….are you…are you dead?"

He was going to defect to Umbrella anyway. Might as well it be now.

" Yes, I'm dead, Leon." replied Krauser.

" NOOOOOO!" shouted Leon, " OOOO! Must….focus…on mission…"

Leon saluted the still breathing, very much alive Krauser; and boarded the helicopter.

He would get those Corona's to the prez safely if it was the last thing he ever did.

**__**

Back to the present….

Leon and Krauser countied knife fighting , slash, duck, repeat.

" Hmph, Time for me to go and then appear suddenly to harass you later." said Krauser, and ran off.

Leon shook his head. He was so sure Krauser had died….

He ran into a corridor that had laser beams moving up and down the walk way.

" Laser beams, fun!" said Leon.

" Not fun, you'll become a very crispy hot agent if you get hit!" I said.

" That's cause I'm too hot to handle!" said Leon.

I stared.

Leon dodged the first 2 lasers with ease. But the 3rd charged at him at full force and he ran up a wall to avoid sudden crispness.

" Matrix rip off!" cried Kat.

Leon then came into a single room with a large lounge chair in the middle.

He sat there and said, " All I need now is a large screen T.V, popcorn, a remote, a pack of Coronas and- ASHLEY! I have to save her!"

Suddenly remembering the whole point to this mission, Leon runs off.

Luna: Review and tell me what you think. I think that I stopped overdoing, but I'm not sure. Anyway next chapter: Playground OF HORRORS!


	24. The Play Ground of HORRORS!

Disclaimer: I don't own RE4,or Gilligan's Island or the band U2.

Luna: Yay! 150 reviews! Here's Chapter 24...

Chapter 24: Play Ground of HORRORS!

Leon entered the caves, following the signal from his tracking device. Until he found it, thrown on the floor.

" Wonder if Saddler found it and tried to led me into a trap…." said Leon, to no one in particular.

**__**

Flashback!

Saddler was leading Ashley through the caves, he was still hurting from Kat's degrading of him.

Ashley suddenly had control over her body again. Before screaming, kicking, or at least attempting to run away; she took a compact out of her skirt pocket. Don't ask where she got the compact from, if you the readers were equal in intellect with Leon; I'd say 'magic'. Or maybe the reason was that although Ashley didn't have any weapons or items of any kind, she always had an extra compact. Because she was dumb. And vain.

" Ewww!" said Ashley, looking at her reflection, " That red dot in my hair clashes with my complexion and skirt!"

She grabbed the tracking device out of her hair and threw it on the ground. Nice move.

" Let me see that!" shouted Saddler, grabbing the compact.

" I have to say, you have gotten a lot less menacing and scary," said Ashley, " You're more like a pathetic, washed up grandpa."

" Silence!" hollered Saddler, and threw her compact.

He could of swore he heard Kat's laughter mocking him in the distance.

**__**

Back to our cute but dumb agent….

Leon had nowhere else to go, so he went into a Jettison compartment. On the entrance was a large neon sign that said 'U3's play ground of HORRORS!' Interested that he might get to play on the swings and monkey bars, Leon moved forward; Striker in hand. To his dismay, he saw that the 'playground' was nothing more than a narrow room with shutters and flashing lights.

" Hey! That's cheap!" said Leon, " It said 'play ground'! Where's the swings? The slides? The monkey bars? The hobby horses?"

" Would it of made a difference if it had swings and stuff?" I asked.

"N-no!" said Leon, hastily.

Just then, he was ambushed by a…..thing. It had the body of a scorpion and a head if a creepy person with fangs and a extra long tongue.

" Are you U3?" asked Leon, shooting him, " You suck! Not a swing or slide…this isn't a playground…its…uh….DIE, INFECTED UMBRELLA SPAWN, DIE!"

I bet you are all very interested in where Hunnigan is. Yes, that's random. But then again, what isn't random in this fic?

**__**

Meanwhile…..

Since Hunnigan sunk the cruise, she had been swimming for hours. Finally, she found an island.

"Land!" screamed Hunnigan, and kissed the sand.

" Hey, you there!" said a man.

" People? Other people! I'm Hunnigan." she said, introducing herself.

"Hiya, Hunnigan," said the man, "I'm Gilligan."

"So how long have you been here?" asked Hunnigan.

" 7seasons and 1 movie ago," answered Gilligan, " Come on, I'll introduce you to the others!"

Gilligan led her to a fort made out of reeds, leaves and coconuts. People were gathered around it.

" That's the Skipper-"

The Skipper grunted in response.

" The movie star-"

She stuck up her nose.

" The millionaire-"

He was counting money.

" And his wife-"

Also counting money.

" The Professor. He likes making things out of coconuts."

He winks.

" And some girl named MaryAnn."

Hunnigan noticed the conveniently placed flare in the sand.

" Look! A flare!" said Hunnigan, " Now we can get off this island!"

" Nooo!" screamed Gilligan, and scooped up the flare, " We have to keep prolonging the end of the series for another 5 seasons and another movie!"

He threw it out to sea.

" He has some delusions that we're just characters in a old, 70's T.V show and if we signal for help and get off this island we'll disrupt the balance of the universe," said the Professor.

Hunnigan didn't answer. This man was worse than Leon. She got into fetal position.

A disembodied voice began singing:

__

Gilligan ,

The Skipper too,

The movie star,

The Millionaire

And his wife,

The professor,

Mary Ann,

And that-useless-girl-who-was-supposed-to-help-Leon Kennedy-but-gave-up-right-away-and-went-on-a-cruise-and:takes deeps breath: ended up here!

****

Back to Leon…..

Leon had just escaped the Jettison compartments, which fell down with U3 still in there.

"Do you think I'll go to jail for this?" asked Leon.

"Huh?" I asked.

" I just killed an entire band….."

" A….band? No….that's U2 not U3! And besides, the guys from U2 are old but they aren't that ugly….."

" I knew that!"

" Only you would confuse a band and an infected creepy thing…."

Leon made his way through the caves, until U3 suddenly jumped down on him. He ran, the ugly human/scorpion hybrid that is NOT a band, hot on his trail.

Leon shot a conveniently gasoline tank and U3 got toasty, but not by much.

So he shot him with his Striker 10 times.

" This is gonna be a long night….." said Leon. ****

30 shotgun shells, 12 black tail rounds, swearing, self pity and regret later…..

Finally, U3 died.

" Yay!" screamed Leon, and did his dance.

Luna: I never saw the show 'Gilligan's Island', I just knew the theme song and that it was on for 11 seasons….I think. And I hope that I haven't offended anyone with my U2 comment, cause they aren't that bad and I just like making fun of things! Next Chapter: Leon v.s Krauser.


	25. Leon vs Krasuer

Disclaimer: I don't own RE4 or ANY RE's or Gilligan's Island or Coronas.

Luna: I can't believe it….2 more Chapters and this fic is done! Wow…..here's Chapter 25!

Chapter 25: Leon v.s Krauser

Leon ended up at some ruins. No enemies were around. Until Leon was almost shot at by Krauser.

"Krauser!" screamed Leon, " You kidnapped Ashley, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?"

" Maybe I did," said Krauser.

" Why? Why did you get her involved?"

" Uh….cause she's the president's daughter…."  
" Oh yeah…."

" Now we're going to play a game," said Krauser.

" Is it Trivial Pursuit?" asked Leon, " I hate that game! With all those confusing facts and dates like the question, 'Who was our first president of the U.S?' Who seriously knows that?"

"….No.."

" Then, is it hide and go seek? I'm good at hiding! My parents always said that I hid like a chameleon that's deceased!"

" No!"

" Then, is it 'I Spy?' I spy with my little eye, something big, ugly and accurate."

" I know this one!" screamed Kat, " Krauser!"

" NO! And who the hell was that? The game is that there are 3 pieces of a puzzle located in the ruins. 2 are hidden and I have the last."

"So….it's a jigsaw puzzle?" asked Leon, dumbly.

Krauser was too fed up to answer. He just attacked Leon at full speed with his knife. Leon shot at him with the Striker, but missed cause he was too fast. Leon tried again, but Krauser just had to have super speed.

Leon finally managed to hit him with the Striker once….

" I got it!" I said, " And all of yous who are tuned in and had trouble with this part, listen up! Since Krauser keeps coming in at close range and is way too fast to shoot, use your knife!"

" So your saying that a shotgun bullet, a scatter shot of burning lead won't affect him but a flimsy piece of metal will?" asked Kat.

" Yep. Trust me people, it actually works. He seems to run off faster."

" Ah. Figures."

Leon attacked Krauser with his knife a couple of times, and Krauser said, " Ahhh….good Leon. Very good."

" Was it just me, or did you just enjoy the fact I attacked you?" asked Leon.

" No!" screamed Krauser, sounding much like Leon from Re2, and threw a flash grenade at him.

" Colors…..blinding….ow…." said Leon, and shook his head.

Leon ran around the ruins some more, and was harassed by Krauser again. Luckily, Leon has his trusty knife.

He managed to get the first piece of the beast, and Krauser jumped out of nowhere.

" I see you sharpened your skills," said Krauser.

" You ain't seen nothing yet!" answered Leon, " You betrayed me on my first mission. Our first mission together, we bought Corona safely from the counter intelligence scum….and you told me you died!"

" Did you even realize what you just said? Did you tell the prez that I died?" asked Krauser.

" You died?"

They fought. Knife fight. Again. Until Leon successfully sliced him a couple of times; which prompted Krauser to throw another flash grenade. Coward.

Leon entered another area guarded by tiny, little robots.

" Aw, how cute!" said Leon, " So tiny and harmless….THEY MUST DIE!"

Leon shot them with the Black Tail as a mob of beeping robots charged at him.

**__**

Meanwhile….

Hunnigan had no idea how long she was on the cursed island of Gilligan. All she knew that was in the beginning of each day, a disembodied voice would start singing about her and the other inhabitants of the island.

And everyday, the president would make stuff out of coconuts. And everyday, the movie star would complain. And everyday, Hunnigan would find a way off the island, and Gilligan would manage to ruin it somehow. And instead of getting mad, they'd say, " Oh, that Gilligan," or " That's our Gilligan!"

Hunnigan's sanity was slowly, but surely, fading.

" Hey everyone!" screamed the insane woman formally known as Hunnigan, " Who wants to do victory dances?"

Before Hunnigan could develop a addiction to Pez, contract ADD and use her name in the 3rd person, a fat man bounded on the beach.

" I'm sorry, Hunnigan," said the man, " I'm the producer and the show's been cancelled. You're free to go."

" The show can't be cancelled!" screamed Gilligan, " It's our destiny to stay on this island! If we get off, the world as we know it will end! And I'll never get another job in an acting career!"

A helicopter picked up the disoriented Hunnigan, who was mumbling to herself.

**__**

Back to Leon…..

Leon needed only one more piece of the puzzle. He was on the pillar thingy when Krauser screamed, " Feel the power of the virus!"

A large, pointy spike sprouted from his wrist. Krasuer brought it down to puncture Leon's head, but he rolled out of the way.

" Ouch. Krauser, there's a spike coming out of your wrist…." said Leon.

" I know that!" said Krauser.

" Maybe you should get it out? Ouch….how are you not in pain?" asked Leon.

" That's my power, imbelic!"

" Your power is to have spikes come out of your body…? Well, your power sucks."  
" Time to die, Leon!"

" Now you sound like Salazar!"

Leon created some distance between himself and psycho commando boy. At first, Krauser walked towards him slowly, a wing like shield covering his face.

" The whole wing deal makes you look like a flamingo," announced Leon.

" Uh, Leon, you know that the place is rigged with bombs and is going to explode in about 2 minutes," I said.

" WHAT?"

Leon got out his Broken Butterfly and kept shooting Krauser in the kneecaps and head. When he got too close for comfort, Leon used his shiny knife.

After using all his magnum rounds and 20 shotgun shells, Leon was about to deal the death blow.

" But…..he was my best friend," said Leon, " Ah, who am I kidding?"

He shoots him, Krauser dead, finally.

" WHYYYYYY!" screamed Leon, "YYYY! Okay, I'm over it."

Leon grabbed the last piece and ran far away from the pillar as possible.

Luna: Finished! Next Chapter: Helicopter Back up!


	26. Helicopter Back up!

Disclaimer: Hmm…..wonder if you got the hint that I don't or will ever own RE4, or any RE's for that matter! Or Corona!

Luna: There's only one more Chapter left……NOOOO! Great, sounding like Leon again. I have a random statement for those who have beaten the game. How stupid is it that after you unlock the Unlimited ammo Rocket Launcher and Chicago Typewriter that you have to PURCHASE it from the merchant? For 1,000,000 pestas? Then you have to beat the game again just to rake in enough cash for the unlockables that YOU wasted 20 hours on getting! Not fair….I'll shut up now. On with Chapter!

Chapter 26: Helicopter back-up!

Leon had ended up at a huge army base, when an helicopter appeared over the horizon. If he was smart, he'd say, " Screw Ashley! I'm getting the hell outta here!" boarded the helicopter and escaped. Instead, he said, " Back-up, what took you so long?"

" Sorry, there was a lot of traffic," said the pilot, whose name is now Pilot cause I don't think he had a name.

The helicopter flew over some towers and bombed them, Pilot shouting, " Ha! Smoked them!"

" Yeah, well, I smoked them with just my weapons!" said Leon, " And it's much easier to say when your in a helicopter safely with missiles!"

But Pilot was good at smoking them. So good, in fact, that Leon sat back and relaxed the whole time. He wished that Saddler's lounge chair was around…..

Leon ran through of the rest of the area with just dead enemies lying about.

"Nice going!" said Leon, " Hey, when we get back, we can get drunk on Coronas! And we can go to karaoke night at the bar and I can bring Ada-"

Just then, the helicopter was shot down by a Ganado with a Rocket Launcher.

"…..Well, when I find Saddler, I'm going to throw him off a bridge into a sea of angry, starving, chipmunks!" declared Leon.

He entered the double doors to the next area and saw Ada.

"Ada!"

"Leon!"

" ADA!"

" Leon, listen," said Ada, " We have to find out how to get the Plaga out of you. It's starting to control you."

" I'm fine, Ada," said Leon.

He started to gulp down the colorful pills that Luis gave him. Did anyone else notice that he never gave any to Ashley who was infected longer than him?

" Leon, come on, we have to stop it," she said.

" I said I'm fine. I'm totally in control of my body!" said Leon, and then his eyes turned red.

He began to straggle Ada.

"Le….on!" she gasped, choking.

Luckily, she had a nail file and jammed it into Leon's leg. She got the nail file from the same place that Ashley got the compact and flashlight. The air.

"A…da!" said Leon, shaking his head, " What just happened?"

" Yeah, really in control Leon," said Ada, " Now I'll be running off for no apparent reason. And I'll be saving your ass shortly."

Ada exited, and Leon ran after her. He opened the doors and she wasn't there.

"Ada must've ran track in high school," mused Leon.

He examined his surroundings. He appeared to be in a prison. Leon heard banging coming from the nearby garbage can. He remembered that was how he first met Luis, banging to get out of the closet. Wait….that's not what I meant!

" Hey, maybe Luis is in here," said Leon.

" Luis is dead, moron." said Kat.

"….Damn Saddler!" he cried, remembering.

He opened the garbage bin anyway, and a squirming bag of _something _was in there.

"EWWW!" screeched Leon, and shot it.

The shouts attracted a Regenerator.

Leon aimed his sniper rifle at him and then it _talked._

" You!" said the Regenerator, " You're the sick individual who put his bum on me!"

" That was you?" asked Leon.

" Yes, you should be arrested for indecent exposure!"

" I had my pants on….sicko."

" Okay, then indecent behavior! I maybe a mindless killing machine, but do you see me putting my bum on things! Then-"

Leon was bored by the speech. So he sniped and killed the Regenerator.

Leon got to the next room, that had Ashley incased in glass. Saddler was there, and stuck his hand out, and he went flying.

Saddler advanced, and Leon let out a yelp. Then, Ada appeared and shot Saddler with the TMP.

" Leon, NOW!" she screamed, finger still squeezing the trigger.

Leon nodded and ran to Ashley. He flipped a couple of random switches until the glass opened.

He pulled out the half asleep Ashley and they ran.

" Oh, no," spat Ada, " I'm fine here. It's not like you have to thank me or offer to help or anything."

Saddler kept walking towards the doors that Leon and Ashley exited, and Ada shot the barrels that were conveniently placed above Saddler's head. They fell, burying him. Ada smiled.

**__**

Meanwhile….

Leon and Ashley ended up at a lab of sorts, with a single chair in the room; along with computers.

" I'm guessing that's the cure! A chair!" cried Leon, " Okay, I'll go first. You operate it."

Funny, how he goes first when she was infected longer.

" Here goes absolutely nothing," said Ashley, who closed her eyes and pressed a random button.

The chair started shaking.

"Ahhh……That feels good…."said Leon.

" Oh, sorry, its on vibrate," said Ashley, " I guessing the button labeled painful-electrical-extraction-of-pain is what I gotta press."

She pressed it, and Leon was hit with electrical currents. Tears began streaming down his face from the pain.

" Okay, its dead!" she said.

Leon mumbled something and wiped his eyes. Ashley sat down, and his fingers flew across the keyboard. Ashley was getting electrocuted. She didn't make a sound. Then, she giggled.

" That tickles!" said Ashley.

She hopped up from the seat, cured. Like Leon. And automatically threw herself on him.

" I was so scared Leon!" said she, " And then you came-"

" Yeah, uh, let's go home." said Leon.

Although the electric chair did cure them of the Plaga infection, they were still infected with dumbness. And sadly, there wasn't a cure.

Luna: The next chapter….is the last! Be sure to tune in for the Last Chapter: Leon v.s Saddler.


	27. Leon vs Saddler

Disclaimer: As annoying as it is to put this in each chapter…..I'm still going to miss it….I don't own Re4, James Bond, or Gilligan's Island.

Luna:sheds tears: I can't believe it….the last chapter! Anyway, I just realized now that the Pilot in the last chapter's actual name was Mike, which I completely forgot about but thanks for informing me, people! As for the idea of doing an Assignment Ada or Mercenaries, I'm not sure if I'm going to do that cause I haven't really thought of any good material for that. But I will write more RE fics, I already have an idea for one although it won't be a parody but it includes Leon and that's all I'm giving away so far…..To all my reviewers: Thanks so much for reviews! It really gives me inspiration to write more and update quicker! I hope you enjoyed my fic and now the grande finale…..

Chapter 28: Leon v.s Saddler

Leon and Ashley ended up at the construction site where a merchant was.

" My un-infected senses tell me that the final boss battle is up ahead," said Leon, " So, merchant, do you have a Rocket Launcher you can lend me?"

" Sure, stranger," said the merchant.

Leon went down half way and said, " Ashley, you stay here. I have a score to settle."

Ashley sighed, " My hero…."

Leon entered the area where Ada was tied up to a piece of machinery, a rope around her neck. Saddler was there, and extended his hand.

" Wow, Saddler, you need new moves," said Leon, and threw his knife at the rope strangling Ada.

Ada got up, and Leon said, " Run."

" Stupid American!" cried Saddler, " What, do you think you're going to win like in your American movies? Like that idiot James Bond? Let me free you from your stupid American clichés."

" No one insults James Bond!" shouts Leon, going into bad ass mode.

Then, a very gross thing happened. Blade spider-like legs busted out Saddler's head, his face got deformed and his mouth huge. The gross thing was there was a large eye ball in his mouth. Eww….

" Ahahahaha!" laughed Leon, " This is gonna be too easy!"

He equipped and shot the Rocket Launcher. Saddler went down, but he wasn't dead.

" What the hell?" screamed Leon.

In a rage, Leon ran at it and poked out one of its many eyes with his knife. Then he started sniping them out and poking the eyes out some more.

Suddenly, Ada appeared and said, " Leon, use this!"

She threw a Rocket Launcher at him.

" Whoa….Déjà vu…." said Leon.

He raced to get the Rocket Launcher and then said, " Hey, it my Rocket Launcher didn't kill him, why would her's?"

" Cause it's special," I said.

He looked at it. It said 'specialized Rocket Launcher'. In other words, the game developers didn't want anyone to beat Saddler with a purchased Rocket Launcher cause that would be to easy. And the creativity of the name, 'specialized'.

Leon used it, and killed Saddler once and for all. WHOOP! Leon went to inspect the body to perhaps steal his wallet, and found a vial of purple liquid.

He picked it up, and felt a gun against his head.

" Hand it over, Leon." said Ada, icily.

" Here," he said, handing it over, " You know, you really are sending mixed signals. First your working for Umbrella and then you save me and now you put a gun to my head?"

Ada smiled, and did a swan dive off the roof. A helicopter was flying upward, Ada in the seat.

" Leon, I'm going to blow up this place to rekindle our tradition of meeting in a tragedy, me being mysterious and saving you, then confusing you and then getting the place blown up or nuked," said Ada, " Catch. And of might of added an extra 3 minutes if you at least said thank you when I helped you save the brat."

Leon caught the jet ski key, and then said. " Wait! Will I ever see you again?"

" Maybe….But I know I'll be seeing you…." she said, referring to her obsession and stalking of him.

The helicopter flew off.

Leon raced back to Ashley and grabbed her by the wrist.

" Come on, this place is gonna blow," said Leon.

" It's gonna _WHAT?"_ she shouted.

" Blow," said Leon, " You know. Explode. Go boom. KABLOOM!"

" I know what it means…." said Ashley.

Leon and Ashley boarded the jet-ski.

" Come on sweetheart," said Leon, " I have to talk and say stupid stuff so I can waste more time so we can leave just as it explodes for more suspense!"

They zoomed on the jet-ski, dodged the falling rocks and finally reached the exit. Just as the place exploded.

The jet ski flew up ward, and Ashley fell off.

" Ashley? Ashley!" screamed Leon, looking around frantically, " Great. I got this far and now you just have to die. I'll never get a replica jacket at this rate."

" Leon!" shouted Ashley, surfacing.

He helped her onto the jet-ski.

" So that's it. Mission accomplished. Right Leon?" asked Ashley.

" Not quite," said Leon, " I still have to get you home safe. And buy a new jacket."

" Oh. So, Leon, you wanna comeback to my place for some overtime?" asked Ashley, trying to sound as seductive as possible.

" Kat…." I said.

" Yeah." she answered.

" Did she ask what I think she just asked?"

" Yeppp…..Can she get any slutter?"

" What?" asked Leon.

" You know," said Ashley, " since you never did give me an answer when I screamed, 'Marry me'; so I figured you didn't like commitment. So it doesn't have to be. It can just be a one night thing. Or two-"

"NO WAY!" screamed Leon.

" I knew you were going to say that," said Ashley, " What if I paid you?"

" Uh, no." said Leon.

"…so that lady in red…"

" She's my girlfriend, my heartthrob, my main squeeze, Ashley. My soul mate! And I'll never betray Ada!" said Leon.

Somewhere, Ada is shedding a tear to Leon's speech of loyalty; because she bugged his vest with a recorder. Aww…..how romantic…makes me wanna puke…

So Leon and Ashley rode off into the sunset.

****

THE END

Wait, no, not over yet.

" Hey Hunnigan, I did it!" said Leon, " I deserve a medal. Or Pez! Or a medal of Pez!"

" Hehe….Gilligan! The Skipper too!" sang Hunnigan.

" Hey, no glasses. You look kinda cute, but I love Ada more!" said Leon.

" The monkeys ate my glasses," giggled Hunnigan, " Coconuts…."

" Uh-huh…I would ask you out, but I'm bounded to Ada for eternity and you're a bit too…..insane for my tastes," said Leon.

" May I remind you that you're still on duty?" cried Hunnigan, " He he….I said duty…."

" Uh….sure."

" You're on duty!"

" I know! Story of my life…."

****

THE END!

" Wait!" screamed Leon, " The story of my life is also that people keep lying to me, I have voices in my head, Ada sends mixed signals all the time, Umbrella is everywhere, I like Pez, Ashley keeps trying to seduce me and we're all going to become INFECTED!"

**__**

The end…..for the last time!


End file.
